So I've been pondering the name of this blog, wondering if it's time for a change or if I should even keep blogging at all. It seems to have run its course. Served its purpose. But then again, the sorrow seems to keep coming. Not that anything dramatic has happened, but God keeps changing my heart and it seems to involve more grief, repentance and obedience. It is good and humbling.
It started with this gentle voice, "Michelle, it's time to forgive." I ignored the voice for awhile. But then I noticed that I seemed to have lost the peace that I once had. Once you have peace and then it's gone, well, it gets your attention.
So I asked, "Lord, what's wrong? Something is amiss."
"Yes, it is time to forgive."
Insert major digging in of heels.
"No, no way. I'm not ready. I want justice!"
But the topic kept popping up. Conversations with friends. Songs on the radio. Convicting Scripture (Matthew 18). It seems I was being called, maybe even commanded, to forgive.
So I told Him, "I'm really getting the message that this is something that I need to work on. But I don't want to. Not in the least."
"No problem, lets work on changing your desire."
"Ok, but you have to do it Lord. I'm not interested in even thinking about forgiving. Can you give me that desire?"
"Beloved, I am God. Trust me."
***Warning: dangerous prayer alert. Do not try this at home.****
"Ok, help me to see that ways that I need forgiveness. Maybe that will soften my heart and make forgiving easier."
"I'm on it."
This started off a series of events in which I have found/am finding myself deeply convicted and humbled by my own sin and daily need for forgiveness. It grieves me. But it is a good grief, the kind that leads to repentance and softens hearts. A kind of sorrow that, hopefully, will give me the strength to forgive. I'll keep you posted...
