Grief and Thanksgiving

I had the opportunity to spend the weekend with a group of lovely women.  I was looking forward to rest, relaxation and fun.  But, being away from my kids and the good work of motherhood, I found myself grieving again.  I thought I was done with grief.  Silly girl.  It seemed so unfair that it surprised me like that.  But instead of trying to deny that I was feeling oh so blue, I chose to embrace it knowing that this is a necessary step toward healing.  So I spent some time alone praying, reading and resting.  And it was good.  In the end, it was a wonderful and energizing weekend.

I am thankful for gracious and caring friends who reached out to me, but let me be alone when I needed it.  I am thankful for my parents who cared for my children giving me the space to feel what I needed to.  I am especially thankful to Jesus, for his gentle and loving presence in my time of need.  He is faithful.

sorrow

I was trying to come with a name for this blog.  I think that was the most time consuming part of the blog setting-up process.  I really wanted to come up with something that would convey what I most want to share, that there is hope to be found in suffering.  The pain that we experience as part of this human condition has a purpose.  For me, the purpose was to bring me to my knees so that I could set aside my plans and my will to embrace God's will for my life. 

I remember reading these verses as a young woman:

We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.  Romans 5: 3-5

So much good stuff in there.  But my reaction was, "I think I'll pass on that tribulation part." I didn't see any need to suffer.  I was saved!  I already had hope and proven character.  I was a good, Christian girl.  But while I acknowledged that I needed a savior, I could not accept that I also needed a Lord.  I was smart, capable, responsible and I didn't need God mucking up my plans.  And what was my plan?  To have a loving husband, a couple of kids, a nice home, a comfortable life.  Pretty routine really.  What was God's plan for my life?  I never bothered to ask. 

It is true that my marriage has brought me much pain.  Certainly, there are others that have suffered, are suffering, much more than I.  But I've learned a lot about myself through how I responded to the pain.  Here's what I wrote to my parents recently about my insights:

I always thought of myself as a pretty good person.  But I have done and said things to Brian, cruel things, that I never thought I was even capable of.  I have had to face into the darkness of my heart and realize that I am not good at all.  In fact, I am very broken and desperately need grace.  I need Jesus.  I have realized this truth about myself on a much deeper level and I do not think it would be possible to come to this point apart from these circumstances.  God is so wise and so merciful.  I think He knew that this painful marriage would be the only way to break me of my pride.  If I had been in a loving, healthy, comfortable marriage I think that I would not know the depths of His love and grace as I do now.  

That's the kind of sorrow that I'm talking about.  A godly sorrow.  Not sorrow for what has been done to me, but sorrow for my own hardness of heart.  Sorrow that leads to repentance and, ultimately, hope.  Why do I have hope?  "Because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  And hope does not disappoint.

Can I run to him?

The kids and I were recently driving in the van and reminiscing about Christmas which led to this conversation...

Olivia: Did Jesus ever grow up?
Michelle: Yep, he sure did.  He was a man and he taught people a lot of important things and then he died.
O: On the cross, right?
M: That's right.  We learned about that at Easter, remember?
O: Right!  He died on the cross, but then he was alive again.
M: Great memory, honey!
O: So he was here on Earth?
M: Yes
O:  But now he's in heaven, right?
M: Right
O: Well, is he ever coming back to Earth?
M: Yes, the Bible says that someday he will come back to Earth.
O: Do you think he will, mom?
M: Yep.  I believe that the Bible is true and it tells us that Jesus will come back someday.
O: I believe the Bible is true too.  So, when is he coming back?
M: We don't know.  The Bible says that no one knows.
O: Do you think he will come to Rochester?
M: Yes, the Bible says that when he comes back everyone will know and we will hear a sound like a very loud trumpet and the clouds will roll back so we only see him.
O: So when I see him, can I run to him?
M: Yes, yes that is exactly the best thing to do.  Just run to him.  Don't wait for anyone or anything.  Run to him, sweetheart.
O: I think I'll make him a picture so that I have a present ready to give to him when he comes to Rochester.

Wow.  That girl is a thinker.  She asks me questions about God or Jesus or angels almost every day.  But that one question: Can I run to him?  That really got to me and I started wondering, how will I react when I see Jesus?  Will I run to him or will I be held back by my shame and my fear?  He knows me and the evil that I am capable of and yet he loves me anyway.  I almost can't bear it at times, that kind of love.  Augustine said, "God loves each one of us as if there were only one to love."  I believe it, but knowing how unworthy I am makes it difficult to accept.  This girl has difficulty accepting a compliment much less the mercy and loving kindness and unknowable love of Jesus.  I just pray that when it's time to meet my maker I'll be running to his open arms.  Lord, free me from my guilt and shame so that I can fully accept your love for me and become a vessel worthy of bearing your name.

Winter Wonderland

We've had a lot of snow this winter here in the frozen tundra.  Our mailbox almost disappeared for a while.  The days are short and cold, but the kids have had their most fun winter yet.  Olivia is able to get her outdoor gear on largely by herself.  And Donovan has accepted that, no matter how frustrating they can be, mittens really are necessary.  Monday night we went out to play after dinner.  There was another cold front on the way and we had wiggles to get out.  We had a blast climbing "mountains" and sliding down on the sled or our rear ends.  Then we took the sled to the ice rink behind our house.  There were no skaters so we had the whole rink to ourselves.  I pulled the kids up and down the rink on the sled and spun them around in circles.  We made snow angels in the fresh snow and then came inside for "warm chocolate".  I wish I had taken a photo of their rosy, rosy cheeks.  We laughed our heads off that night.  Times like this with my kids are beyond fun.  They are pure joy. 

My marriage was like a bad movie

I really wanted to see this movie.  I'll admit that, when I saw the previews, I questioned if I should go.  I sought counsel and was told "no movie is perfect" so I bought my ticket and went in.  Shortly into the movie I wondered if I should get up and leave.  But I'm the kind of girl who never leaves a movie, no matter how bad it is.  So I stayed, telling myself, "surely this will get better, this has to get better."  The movie went on and on, only getting worse with time.  And even though I refused to leave I shouted my discontent to everyone around me, "This movie sucks!  Why me?"  I became bitter over the poor quality of the movie and everyone else in the theater started to move farther and farther away from me.  I resented the people who bought tickets to the good movie playing next door.  But then the credits rolled, the lights came on and the usher came to me and said, "You can leave."  Now the light of day hurts my eyes, but I am marching toward it with confidence. 

From a mother's heart

Sweet boy with Brown Bear

Here sleeps Donovan with his beloved "brown bear".  This is his favorite lovie by far.  It was given to him by great-grandma Daisy.  What you probably can't tell is that brown bear is actually a chipmunk who used to be called "black bear" until he figured out the difference between black and brown.  Olivia, our self-appointed no-nonsense police woman, was greatly relieved when he finally figured out that it was brown.  But it irks her to no end that he still calls it a bear, not a chipmunk.  I can hear them arguing at times: it's a bear, no it's a chipmunk, no it's a bear, no it's a chipmunk...

What is it about my first-born that makes her such a stickler for getting everything right, everything perfect?  And why is she so quick to point out to the rest of us when and exactly why we are wrong?  There is no room for mistakes with this child.  I find myself constantly defending Donovan's right to be creative, to be imperfect, to be three!  And I find myself often consoling Olivia when she realizes that, just like the rest of us, she too is human and prone to imperfection.  I strive to praise their efforts rather than their accomplishments.  I re-assure them when things don't turn out as they hoped.  "It doesn't need to be perfect," I say.  "The important thing is that you tried so hard.  The important thing is that you had fun doing it."  But I wonder, did I somehow instill in her this need to be perfect?  Did I push her too hard or correct her too often?  Did I fail to embrace her just as she is or did I send her the message that she isn't good enough? 

Lord, help me to be the mother that each of my children needs.  Help me to know when to give them grace and when to discipline.  Help me to remember that they behave immaturely because they are, in fact, immature.  Help me to shelter them, being in the world but not of it.  In a world that pushes kids to grow up too quickly, help me to push back and allow them to grow up in due time.  Most of all, Lord, help me to let go of my own fears and insecurities so that I can live fully in the present, savoring each day with them.  Thank you for these two.  They are blessings beyond belief which I do not deserve. 

Why blog?

For the last couple of years Brian has encouraged me to start a blog.  My reaction has always been "No way!".  My level of interest in blogging was about -8 on a 1-10 scale.  I just didn't feel that I had much of substance to share.  Not to mention the time and the technological know-how needed to pull it off. 

But in the last few months I have stumbled upon several blogs that I turn to on a daily basis for encouragement and inspiration (see list on right).  And I kinda feel like I might have some things to say that might encourage someone else.  In the last few weeks I have been flooded with ideas to blog about.  I resisted it at first, but I've finally given in to the idea.  I'm just compelled to write about this stuff.  And I've found that it really is as easy as everyone claims.  While this blog may not be very polished, it is proof that anyone can start a blog!

She's in!

Precious girl at her birthday party

Got a letter from Rochester Public Schools today and I opened it as soon as I got in the door.  "We are pleased to inform you that your child has been selected for entrance into the 2011-2012 kindergarten class at Washington Elementary School."  I was literally jumping for joy!  It reminded me a bit of getting my college acceptance letters. 

What an answer to prayer!  Not only is it an excellent, excellent school but I know that Olivia will not have to change schools if we end up selling the house and moving.  With so much in limbo right now it is a tremendous relief to know that she will have that stability and get a great education to boot.  I've toured a number of schools in the last couple of months and I knew that Washington would be a great fit for her.  By the grace of God she was picked in the lottery.  I sent a thank-you up to heaven and got this reply, "Beloved, this is small potatoes.  Just wait until you see the plans that I have for you.  Trust in me and you will see much bigger things than this."  I'm all in Lord.

Diving in

If you are reading this you are sure to already know me, at least in some capacity.  You may have heard about the recent changes in my life, or maybe not.  After 12 years of marriage I am in the process of securing a divorce.  Twelve years.  That's a goodly chuck of change.  This process is messy and terrible and heart-breaking.  Our family is being dissolved.  But I also believe that growth and maturity and hope can be found in the midst of the mess.  Maybe we find those good things as a direct result of the pain.  I am learning that the pain certainly has a purpose, no doubt about it.

I hope to use this blog as a way to find healing and to share with you all the ways that God is reaching me in my mess.  If there is any goodness in me, in what I write or say, I give Him the glory.  My desire is to move out of this bitter place and into the realm of forgiveness.  I think this blog may help.  Of course, there is sure to be a healthy dose of cute kiddo stories thrown in.  My kids are my greatest joy.