from the mouth of Donovan

Donovan spotted a Christmas wreath at my parents house and said, "Oh grandma, you put up your Christmas tire!"
                                                                                                                                 

Holding up a bent finger he pointed to his knuckle and said, "mommy, is this my finger knee?"

miss o

It's been an eventful couple of months for my girl.  She...can now pump on the swings and get all the way across the monkey bars (even the wobbly triangle ones).  Got her ears pierced and lost her first tooth.

 Got a pet bunny.

Traded her preschool crush for a kindergarten one (sorry Ryder, but Jack is also very talented on the monkey bars).  Receive a superb first report card.  Is an accomplished bus rider.  And recently turned six.

Olivia, you are a great joy.  You are growing and gaining confidence every day.  Never forget how loved you are.

mamas epilogue

Boy, that last post sure was long!  Congrats if you made it all the way through.  Shortly after I posted it I heard a song with the line, "Break my heart till it moves my hands and feet."  Nuf said.

mamas the world over

A few nights ago my daughter went to bed hungry.  Of the four items served for dinner she decided that she only liked one and rejected everything else.  So I gave her my standard reply, "That's fine if you choose not to eat your dinner, but remember that you won't get any snacks this evening."  Apparently she found the meal so horrid that she immediately accepted my terms and was excused from the table to play with her new Barbies. 

The evening passed and her brother (who ate his dinner) got a bedtime snack and quickly drifted off to sleep.  Olivia was exhausted from her busy day so I assumed that she was fast asleep too.  I busied myself with chores around the house and an hour later I heard her crying in her room.  "I'm so tired, but I can't fall asleep because I'm so hungry!" she wailed.  She wanted cereal.  I offered left-overs.  She wanted toast.  I offered left-overs.  I pleasantly informed her, "I love you too much to argue with you, honey.  I'm going down to the kitchen to do the dishes.  If you decide to come down I will be glad to get you some left-overs," and then I left her room.  A few minutes later she dragged her tired little body down the stairs.  After a few bites of this and that plus some milk the kid practically fell asleep at the table.

Later, when I was in bed praying, I got to thinking about all kids the world over who go to bed every night with empty bellies and their mamas who are unable to sooth their cries.  How do those babes get to sleep at night with hunger gnawing at them?  How do their mothers survive the torture of hearing their little ones cry for food and being utterly helpless to feed them?  I try to put myself in their shoes.  What if Olivia was crying that night, but there were no left-overs to be had?  I imagine myself laying beside her and telling her, "I am so sorry love, but there is no food.  Go to sleep.  Hush.  Hush.  Go to sleep.  Maybe tomorrow we will eat."  And my heart broke wide open.  I wonder, why are some born into nations, communities, families that have plenty and others born into such hopeless poverty? 

And what is my responsibility in all this?  Compared to many in America I don't live an extravagant lifestyle, but compared to most of the world I live in a mansion.  I've realized that the only true yard-stick I can use to accurately measure my life by is God's Word.  And what does it tell me? In the book of Luke Jesus said,

 “Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.”  And He told them a parable, saying, “The land of a rich man was very productive.  And he began reasoning to himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?’  Then he said, ‘This is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods.  And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry.”’  But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?’  So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”   And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say toyou, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.  For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing."  v. 15-23

 

 “Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." v. 33-34

 

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more." v. 48

For those of us who have plenty these are difficult teachings.  I don't want to give up my sense of security that comes with my stuff, even if I know it is false.  But in this same passage Jesus tenderly says, "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom." v. 32.  Can I trust God to provide for me and my children?  Will I take a risk banking on Him to come through for me?  What will I do when I am tempted to buy something I don't need?  Can I be honest with myself and realize that most of what I buy I don't really need?  

 

I think for some believers that heart change comes fast and furious.  For me, it comes slowly and gently like a whisper.  I am learning to train my ear to that whisper.  I am learning to be obedient when the whisper is clear.  I am learning to be patient and wait when it is not.  And I am failing at all of this every day.  But I am pressing on, keeping in mind the reality of the poverty and darkness in this world.  Yes Lord, I have plenty.  I pray that I will be up to the task when much is required.  Keep changing my heart so that I may recognize your voice and be willing to act with a grateful heart.

hope

This post from (in)courage really spoke to me today. The passage from Joel that she mentioned first came to my attention a few weeks ago and I've been digesting it ever since. To me it speaks to the hope that we have in Christ. It's so encouraging to know that, even if I have to wait until I reach my eternal home, I will be satisfied. It's His promise to me and He always makes good on His promises.

lonely

Loneliness. It's part of the human condition, I guess. And we go to such lengths to keep it at bay, don't we? Maybe stay in a relationship that we shouldn't. Maybe deceive ourselves into believing that we really are ready for that new relationship when we're really not. Shopping, TV, internet, alcohol. It's all a big distraction from the lonely. But I think of Jesus on the cross. It's doesn't get more lonely - even the Father turned from him. He knows lonely more intimately that I could ever imagine. He knows my brand of lonely to be sure. He knows. But it serves a purpose, if only to align me more closely with Him and His heart for the world. Our heartache is not wasted. Lord, I surrender all to you. Turn this broken girl into an instrument worthy of your name.

he's four

Gosh, I can't believe that it's been a month since my last post. Life is flying by, punctuated by the fact that Donovan is now FOUR YEARS OLD! Yep, my little man recently had a birthday. I am so glad that Mark and Melissa were still around to celebrate with us. They left for Wisconsin a few days after the party and are leaving the country soon. We are all missing them terribly, but it was a joy to have them here for a few months.

Here's the birthday boy with his lion cake.

This gift was from my mom and dad. It's a laminated poster called "Fishes of Minnesota." The kid is obsessed with it. He sleeps with it most nights. No joke. I think he has most of the names memorized. Oh D, you rock my world. I am one fortunate mama.

m&m

We've had a couple of housemates around here recently. Mark and Melissa are a married couple who are in the US to raise financial support so that they can return to the middle east as missionaries. At the end of July they found themselves without housing so I offered them some space in our home. They have graciously put up with a basement re-model, children crying in the middle of the night, and Donovan letting himself into the bathroom while they showered. Through it all they are helpful, kind and genuinely enjoy the kids. Of course, O and D adore them and the extra attention they get. They are currently at about 90% of their goal and I have a feeling they will be leaving us soon. I feel mixed about them leaving. I rejoice that they will soon return to the middle east where they long to be. But I will miss these dear friends. It has been an honor and privilege to know them and share our home with them.

firsts

Without further ado, here are the photos I promised...

What she wanted to wear the first day of kindergarten

What she actually wore

With little bro in his self-selected outfit

First day of preschool

Complete with backpack

My babes are growing up. *sigh*

labor day

The kids and I spent the long holiday weekend at the lake, but I forgot my camera!  Bummer.  We had a great time.  Highlights included fishing, playing in the camper and catching frogs.  We were all sad when it was time to go.  Now we're getting in the routine that comes with September.  Olivia started kindergarten yesterday and enthusiastically reported, "It was GREAT!"  Donovan starts preschool next week.  Olivia will begin attending American Heritage Girls next week.  Also starting next week is AWANA, our Wednesday evening kids program at church.  Both kids are old enough to participate this year and I am volunteering.  My basement update is nearly done, just in time to dive into all this activity.  It looks to be a busy, but good fall ahead of us. 

shindler's list

Remember this?

I find myself thinking about this scene a lot.  A couple of months ago my friend Mo and I were talking about it in the context of making financial choices.  Even though I try to be wise with my money, I know that I can always tighten the belt, make better decisions.  I can fore-go little luxuries knowing that my money can be put to much better use helping someone else. 

But it doesn't just apply to money.  Am I making wise choices with how I spend my time and energy?  Am I doing what I was made for?  Am I doing kingdom business?  I don't want to face Jesus filled with regret, knowing that I could have done more, tried harder, lived to my fullest potential.  God can accomplish his purposes with or without me.  But I don't want to miss out. And this song has become my anthem:
 

the little things

A while back, after Brian and I had separated all of our stuff, I did an inventory of my tools.  I found that I had no hammer.  No wrenches.  No box cutter.  No tape measure.  But I did have 3 channel lock tools.  Go figure.  So I made a Home Depot list and headed out.  Before I got to the store I spied signs for garage sales and I just had to stop.  Can't ever pass up a good bargain!  At one of the sales I found a good quality hammer and a brand-new tape measure for just 3 bucks!  Every time I use that hammer I think of this:

Do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?  And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?  And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!  Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’  For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.   Matthew 6: 25-34

God knew that I needed a hammer and tape measure.  The moment that I saw them it was like I'd received a love note from heaven.  Even the little things He provides.  As I step out in faith to pursue the things that I believe I was made for, I do experience fear and anxiety.  But when I get to fretting I take a look in my tool box and remember that I have a father in heaven who cares deeply for me.  There is freedom in putting it all in His hands and letting go of the worry.

a done deal

I got notification from the attorney on Sat that the divorce was finalized last week.  Now it's just a matter of tying up loose ends with transfer of ownership of the house.  So that's that.

court appearance

We had the court appearance today.  It was short and kind of anti-climactic.  I did have to raise my right hand and "testify under oath".  After about 10 minutes of questions the judge signed off on the Marital Termination Agreement.  Next, the court administrator will need to sign it (which takes 1-2 weeks) and then the divorce is final.  Brian was quite emotional.  I was not.  I am ready for this.

July 4th

The kiddos and I had a great holiday at the lake.  We were able to stay three nights.  The last night there they were so tired that D fell asleep on grandpa's lap right after dinner and O put herself to bed.  We had great weather and spent a lot of time outside. 

Fishing in PJs

Riding in the golf cart

Rafting

Dancing like a rock star

Enjoying the campfire

And practicing casting off the porch

We also got some great fireworks from the South Dakota side of the lake.  It was Donovan's first fishing attempt, first time rafting and also his first fireworks, all of which he thoroughly enjoyed.  Add in a few naps, great food, terrific company and a couple gin & tonics and it adds up to a pretty perfect weekend.

she reads, etc.

A few weeks ago I got out some beginning reader books to work on with Olivia.  With very minimal assistance she was able to read each one.  At one point she looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm a reader!  I cracked the code!"  Since then she has been working hard at it.  The other night she was reading before bed and I went in to tell her it was time to put her book down and go to sleep.  She complained, "But I never get enough time to read!"  That was music to this mama's ears.

 We went to church last night and the message centered around Micah 6:8

 He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?  NASB

Some versions say "mercy" rather than "kindness".  At any rate, the teacher explained that this word indicated an undeserved kindness.  A blessing your enemies kinda thing.  God calls us to let our light shine and blessing those who have hurt us most is incredibly life-giving for them, and us too.  Forgiveness heals both parties.  He challenged us to think of someone who has wronged us and to reach out to them in kindness this week.  Immediately, Brian came to mind.  

So I started thinking of ways to show kindness to Brian.  Honestly, I was coming up short.  But I prayed that I would be open to any nudging God gave me.  Tonight he called around dinner time (Brian, not God).  The kids and I were enjoying our corn on the cob and no one was very enthusiastic about talking to him.  I hung up and then I got the nudge.  I had an extra ear of corn in the pot, plenty of extra chicken.  So I asked the kids, "Do you think we should ask daddy over for dinner?"  Their eyes lit up like 4th of July fireworks.  "Daddy, come eat with us?  All of us together?" Olivia asked like it was a miraculous idea.  So I called him back and invited him over.  And he accepted.

The kids were so excited to have us all together they could hardly eat.  Olivia talked non-stop and Donovan tried to squeeze in a few words when she took a breath.  They couldn't wait until dinner was over so they could show him their new scooter tricks.  He had to work tonight so he didn't stay long, but I think it was worth it.  He called me a bit ago to thank me for the invitation.  Did I shine a little light in his life today?  I hope so.  I know without a doubt that I did for my kids.  As for me?  I'm glad I didn't stop to think it through before I invited him because I probably would have changed my mind.  Brian is still Brian, always will be.  While I still long for an intact family for my kids, I am confident that this divorce is necessary.  But I truly do hope that someday we can be friends.

epilogue to over-whelmed

Well, after my last post I went upstairs to indulge in some Ethan Hawke movie when I was drawn to the back porch.  Dozens of fireflies flitted about the backyard.  What a gift!  I promptly turned off the TV and settled in to enjoy the night.  The fireflies blink blink blinked their message across the twilight sky (my favorite kind of sky).  The summer night smelled delicious.  My Mirror Pond Ale went down smooth.  Young lovers walked through the park laughing and holding hands.  I was alone, but not lonely.  I am loved by a holy God.  Life is good.

over-whelmed

The 4th was a great weekend, but I hit the ground running the moment we got back and haven't stopped yet.  I am burdened by the piles of laundry, mail, dirty dishes, a water softener that plagues me with problems, poopy underpants.  The kids' needs press in on me.  They whine, they bicker, they dis-obey.  They are kids and they cannot help it, but it grates on me tonight.  I can hear the edge in my voice as I actually say, "Because I said so!  End of discussion!"  I fail to discipline effectively, if at all. 

I cannot get the dishwasher loaded without pausing twice to mediate a dispute.  Trying to start a load of laundry nets me 3 interruptions.  This is the part of motherhood that slays me: I am unable to complete virtually any task that I begin.  Other needs always take priority.  The sun cannot go down fast enough.  I pray for patience, patience and more patience.  Even Olivia's delightfully imaginative play doesn't amuse me tonight.  My only desire is for their eyes to close and not open until morning.  And I hate all these feelings, the wishing away of precious moments so that I can get some relief from the pressure, just a little time to put life back together. 

Finally, the day comes to a close.  The dishes are mostly done.  The junk mail is in the recycling, but the bills remain unopened.  There is laundry in the washer, the dryer and in baskets waiting to be folded (tomorrow).  The water softener has a new puddle beneath it.  The children sleep, hopefully unscathed by their mother's inability to parent tonight.  And I crack a beer and jump on the blogosphere.  If I were wise I would go to bed right now.  I think I will probably watch some mindless TV instead. 

big boy

I took this photo of D many months ago when we began potty training.

I can happily report that the kid is finally trained!  Ultimately, I used a Love & Logic technique to get it done.  Or maybe he was just finally ready.  Whatever the case, I am elated that diapers are a thing of the past in this house. 

The kids both had swimming lessons that last couple of weeks.  I almost cried when I saw him trotting off with his class the first time.  He is growing up.  His verbal skills are exploding, he dresses himself and he can buckle his car seat straps most days.  He's not my baby anymore and it is bittersweet.  Donovan is pure joy and pure boy.  He is a delight and a challenge each day.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

who am i?

I've been hearing this song by Jason Gray on the radio a lot lately.  I especially love this part:

Forgiven, beloved
Hidden in Christ
Made in the image of the Giver of Life
Righteous and holy, reborn and remade
Accepted and worthy
This is our new name
This is who we are now...

I know this is who I am in my head, but I want to feel it deep in my bones, in my soul.  For now, I'll settle for trusting and waiting.  O God, I thank you for your blessings.  Please make your love for me more real each day. 

happy birthday to me

I've had a great birthday - the best in a long time.  The weather was gorgeous all day.  Cards and phone calls let me know folks were thinking of me.  My mom took Olivia shopping for a beautiful hanging basket for me.  I had a 90 minute massage while my dear friend Suzanne watched my crabby kids.  I took a nap in the afternoon while said crabby-kins watched PBS.  Then we went to lovely Maureen's house for a fabulous meal with fabulous company while our fabulous kids ran around in the yard.  And DQ ice cream cake to top it off.  I am blessed to be sure.

court date

Since Brian and I do not have separate attorneys representing us (to save $) we will have a short hearing on July 14.  After that it's just waiting for the divorce to be finalized.  I am ready.  We have finally separated the last of our possessions.  I think that Olivia is struggling a lot with a fear of the unknown so I hope that it will help to be able to tell her, "see, the divorce is done and your life has not significantly changed."  The end is in sight.

girl talk

I'm hosting a women's Bible study this summer with some friends already near and dear and some new women in my life.  We are going through a book called "Girl Talk: A Modern Girl's Bible Study".  I thought it was going to be pretty fluffy and easy for the summer, but it turns out to be quite meaty.  Last night I was reading a section about the pain of childhood and the importance of dealing with it in order to have healthy relationships.  But I felt it was an answer to my prayers related to my divorce. 

I find my self frequently crying out, "God, I feel so damaged.  How will I ever heal?  Will I ever be capable of a healthy relationship?"  This is what I read:

We serve a God who is a Healer, a Father, a Comforter, a Restorer.  It's His specialty.  He is uniquely close to the broken-hearted.  He is capable of breaking the cycle in your life if you'll let Him.  He's no intruder; God must be invited into your brokenness.  He can teach you what healthy relationships look like, and He can restore intimacy into the very places it seems unrecoverable.

I'm so very glad to be reminded again that what seems impossible to me is not impossible to God.  He is more than able to do a mighty work in me.  He already is.

happiness

I am working on some basement improvements and yesterday I had a contractor over to take a look.  He did our bathroom re-model in our first house about 6 years ago.  As we were discussing the project he said, "talk it over with Brian and let me know what you guys want to do."  ugh.  I hate this part.  The part where you kinda-sorta know someone, but not well enough so that they have any clue that your marriage is breaking up.  I don't hate it for how it makes me feel anymore, rather for how they feel.

So I said, "well, we are in the process of a divorce so I'm the only one making the decisions this time."  He was shocked and felt terrible.  It was the look on his face and the fact that he said, "I'm shocked!  I feel so bad that I said that!" that revealed his inner feelings.  (I know, I know, I'm so insightful :) )  Then he proceeded to tell me about how he and his wife separated for about 6 months, but now they are back together and their relationship is the best it's ever been.  I was truly so happy to hear that a separation helped him.  Therapeutic separation really does work sometimes.  It doesn't have to be just a prelude to divorce.  Anyway, I told him not to feel bad, that I was at peace with the situation. 

As he left he said over his shoulder, "as long as you're happy that's the most important thing."  I wanted to run after him and say, "no, actually, happiness is not the most important thing.  In fact, it's far from the most important thing.  Do you really think I would allow my family to go down on flames over mere unhappiness?" 

As humans, we seem to be confused about this happiness issue.  We all want it and will do just about anything to get it, but in the end we are just chasing a dream that never materializes.  When we get what we think will make us truly happy we always end up wanting more, newer, better.  As Christians, we will be bitterly disappointed if we expect happiness from life.  God never promises happiness.  If we pursue a Christ-like life He promises peace and joy in the inner self, but not happiness. 

Jesus said, "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."  (John 10:10)  So how do we define "abundant life"?  Bit by bit I am getting a taste it and I find it is something far more satisfying than happiness.  It is water that leaves us quenched, food that leaves us sated.  Do you know this kind of life, friend?  What is life-giving to you?

waiting

When I get anxious, wanting life to hurry up, wanting to move on, this is the stuff that sustains me:

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:5-8)

summer fun

We've been having a heat wave here with temps close to 100 and high humidity.  So this is how we cool down...

Popsicles help too.  Many, many popsicles.

another divorce update

I met with the attorney recently and the paperwork is in motion.  Next Brian will need to pick up his copies of the Summons and Petition as well as the Marital Termination Agreement and he then has 30 days to respond.  If he does not request any changes then it will be submitted to the court.  I am hopeful that there will not be any delays since the Marital Termination Agreement is almost identical to the mediation agreement.  Then, since we do not have attorneys representing us individually, we will need to attend a short hearing.  After that, the divorce will be granted and the attorney works to follow through on everything stipulated in the divorce. 

The kids are really enjoying their time with Brian.  I recently read an excellent book called "The Switching Hour" about what kids of divorce experience and how best to help them.  It has given me some great tools.  At bedtime tonight I checked in with Olivia and said, "How are you feeling about the divorce lately?"  She replied that she didn't want it to happen because she was worried about what would happen to her.  I tried to reassure her and explain that nothing would really change, but that her feelings were normal and ok to have and talk about.  I encouraged her to pray when she is worried or scared and then we prayed together.  I grieve for her.  I know in many ways her childhood will be cut short.  I know that she will bear this wound for her lifetime.  But I also know that God loves her more than I ever could.  He is in control and he loves my children.  We may be bruised, but we will find healing.

Pause the mind

I'm putting my brain on "pause" to post some photos of my kids.  Here are a few photos from our trip to the Oxbow Zoo about a month ago:

"Now I'm going to be an owl."

"hoo, hoo"

"Then I flap my wings and fly away!"

Olivia does a jig

The landscape is much more green now.  Spring has been late in arriving, but the trees are finally leafing out and blossoming. 

Here's how we spend our weekends around here:



Can you tell that our toes are the same color?

I've noticed that single parents tend to gripe about how their ex gets to be the "fun" parent while they are "responsible" one.  I can surely relate to that feeling.  But I've decided that I'm going to be both!  I think it's possible to be fun and responsible.  I'm not going to get bogged down thinking about what my ex is/is not doing.  Instead I'm going to focus my energy on being present with my kids and enjoying them each day. 

Translation: my house is frequently a mess and I don't care any more.  So you are welcome to come by anytime friend, but please lower your expectations.  My house is never "company ready" so don't judge me.  I'd rather take my kids to the park than have a spotless home or mow the lawn or clean my van.  It's not how I prefer to live, but it's the best I can do right now.  At the end of my life I'm sure that I won't be thinking, "I wish I had spent more time cleaning my house."  I simply refuse to miss out on a relationship with my kids. 

Last week Olivia's pre-school class had a special Mother's Day Tea.  They had prepared some special gifts for the moms including a small booklet with information about the kids written by the kids.  One of the entries said, "My mom always says to me         "  Some of the other moms commented that their kids wrote things like, "clean up" or "pick up your room".  Olivia wrote, "I love you."  That was so encouraging to me.  I always want that to be the main message that my kids get from me by what I do and what I say.  I think that message may be getting through.

"self care": deception or necessity?

So I've been thinking about this concept of "self care" for awhile and I just don't know what to think about it.  I hear people talk about needing "me time" and it's kind of off-putting for me.  I'm probably over-reacting due to my history with Brian, a self care junkie.  But when I read my Bible I find a lot of stuff about self-denial and taking up my cross.  And I see Jesus spending time alone with his father, but I don't remember ever reading about Jesus taking a spa day.  Can you imagine?  "I'm sorry.  I know you've been suffering with this terrible affliction for years, but I'm taking a day off from miracles today.  I just need to practice some self care.  I'm sure you understand."

Now I know it's not fair to expect people to live at that level of self-denial.  Jesus was God after all.  But I am called to be Christ-like, right?  Don't get me wrong, I take time for myself too.  I admit that I get a monthly massage and sometimes I tell my kids, "no, I can't read you that story cuz I'm really into this People Magazine."  There are days that I feel like I'm going to scream if I hear, "mom will you get this, do that, help me NOW," one more time.  But being a mom has forced me to grow up and put my needs and wants aside.  Motherhood is teaching me what "dying to self" is all about.  And I like being a grown up.  In my experience, going to God to fill my cup works much better than shopping therapy.

I just wonder if we are getting too focused on self care rather than giving of ourselves.  Is this an idea that comes from God or from the world?  Are we deceiving ourselves?  Is someone else deceiving us to distract us from the life giving work that we could be doing?  When I stand before my maker is he going to pat me on the back and say, "you did a really good job of taking care of yourself"?  Doubt it.  But on the other hand, God recognizes the importance of rest.  Maybe we just need to take the idea of Sabbath more seriously?  What do you think?  I'd love to talk about it. 

Know your God

This weekend I was blessed to attend an amazing conference with Kay Arthur as the main speaker.  She spoke truth to us, to me.  She does not hold back.  She is willing to say the hard things, with love.  And they were things I needed to hear.  Probably the biggest point that I came away with was the importance of studying the Bible.  Several times Kay mentioned the verse Daniel 11:32, "the people who know their God will display strength and take action."  How can we know our God unless we are earnestly seeking Him?  When we study the living word for ourselves and we know, deeply know our God then we will be able to discern what is true, what is right and what is wrong.  In that knowledge of Him we will be able to stand firm and even take action.  But we have to put in the time and effort to dig deep.  The God of the universe has provided us with a book written by Him, about Him.  Why am I not driven to pour over my Bible night and day?  How can I become Christ-like if I don't know what Christ is like?  Oh Lord, change my heart today so that I am compelled to pursue you, so that I might love you with my whole heart without reservation.

Divorce update

We have decided on an attorney to file the paperwork and I will be meeting with him next week.  Since everything was decided in mediation this next step is a legal formality.  While we were in Oregon Brian moved out most of the furniture that he is keeping.  We are now working on dividing up the smaller items.  E-mail has been a terrific tool for communicating with minimal conflict. 

The kids have also started spending their time with Brian at his apartment rather than at the house.  Tonight will be their second over-night visit there.  So, far they seem to be weathering these changes well, but I am keeping a close eye on them.  Olivia has expressed confusion about the situation saying, "moms and dads are married so how will you guys still be my mom and dad if you aren't married anymore?"  I take every opportunity to re-assure, comfort and keep the lines of communication wide open.  Of course, every time someone has a bad day I worry that it's because of the divorce.  It's so hard to know why they do what they do.  Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day.

Broken hearts

I read this post today and it rings true for me.  I think it's when our hearts are broken that Jesus gets in down deep.  The mask falls away and we are exposed.  We are real.  No longer able to stand with our own strength we learn that, if we turn to Him, He is fully able to sustain us, support us, deliver us.  He alone can meet every need.  And He does.   Enjoy...

Arrows piercing the darkness

I am reading a fabulous book that has me quite inspired.  The book is One Million Arrows: Raising Your Children to Change the World by Julie Ferwerda.  I have been so bogged down lately reading about how to help my kids survive this divorce and mitigate the damage.  But this book is giving me a vision for me and my kids.  God has a purpose for all of us.  He wants to use our stories to reach the world, each life carefully crafted for a reason, a mission.  This book has made me realize that I am selling my kids short.  They will survive, but will they thrive?  Will they leave a mark?  Will they passionately live out their unique calling and find the fulfillment that comes with it?  And how will they learn to follow God's lead if I don't set the example?  Thank you God for this book and how it is changing my heart.

Testify

I haven't blogged in awhile because I have been consumed with preparing my testimony.  I recently gave it to a group of women who meet weekly for various Bible studies (me included).  They were an easy and supportive crowd, but I was still terrified.  Still, it was important for me to do and I am grateful for the opportunity.  My hope is that my story will glorify God and minister to others.  Here's what I said:

I grew up in a conservative Lutheran church.  As kids my sister and I started learning about Jesus from a very young age.  My parents were wonderful servants of the church and we were one of those families that was always there.  They did everything from pulling weeds to leading the youth group to serving on the elder board.  They were also both frequently involved in Bible studies.  I have always believed that Jesus was the son of God, but it didn’t become personal for me until a Good Friday service when I was about 16.  I suddenly realized that Jesus died this horrific death for me.  And I think that was the moment that I really accepted the grace being offered to me. 

            When I went to college I was very involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship.  During my sophomore year I had a crisis of faith.  I was grappling with some pretty big theological questions and having a very difficult time believing in a loving God when there was so much pain and suffering in the world.  I questioned if this religion that I had been immersed in my entire life was the real deal.  So I decided to try life without Jesus.  I didn’t dramatically change my lifestyle.  All it really meant in my daily life was that I stopped going to Bible study and church.  I talked a lot with my roommate and friend about my doubts and concerns.  One night she came home from a worship service very excited because she was given a vision.  This type of thing had never happened to either of us before, but she said that she had a vision of me turned away from God with him standing behind me holding his arms around me.  That had a huge impact on me.  Shortly after that I came back to the faith, but my time of honest doubting was critical for my spiritual growth. 

            While I had known Jesus as my savior for many years I had never accepted him as my Lord.  I was clueless about how to seek God’s will for my life.  Besides, I thought I had a pretty good plan in place for myself and when I would read in my Bible about surrendering to Jesus as my lord and master I would resist.  Looking back it was almost like I tried to strike a bargain with God like, “ok, I’ll follow you and do my best to live rightly, but this is how my life is gonna go, got it God?”  In fact, when I became engaged I didn’t even pray about it.  It just didn’t occur to me that maybe I should consult God about this huge decision. 

            Right from the start my marriage to Brian was very troubled and I was angry at God about it.  I was a good Christian girl who married a good Christian guy and this very painful and unhealthy marriage was not what I signed up for.  Funny how I didn’t even bother to ask God if marrying this guy was a good idea, but I still blamed Him for how badly things were turning out.   For many years as I struggled to survive in my marriage I stopped praying, stopped reading my Bible, and when we moved to Rochester we stopped going to church.  Spiritually, my life was in the dead of winter for about 10 years.  But I took my marriage vows very seriously and I tried to make the best of it.  Ultimately, I just became resigned to the situation.

            While they are a tremendous blessing, having children did not improve the marriage.  In fact, it got much worse.  But my kids did compel me work on the marriage again.  I felt they deserved better so when our second child was a baby I insisted that we go to marriage counseling and Brian agreed.  It was also around this time that I began to search God out again.  We joined a couples Bible study, started attending church sporadically and I signed up for MOPS.  I was beginning to grow friendships with godly women.  I prayed sometimes.

After a year of consistent counseling nothing had substantially changed.  I began to contemplate asking for a separation.  I agonized over this for a year while we continued our counseling.  I desperately wanted my children to have an intact family, but I knew that growing up in such an unhealthy home would damage them as well.  And I had come to deeply despise my husband.  Two years after beginning counseling I told him that I wanted a separation, but my hope was that it would lead to a healthy and loving marriage, not divorce. 

In February 2010 Brian moved out.  While I hoped for a restored marriage, I realized that divorce was a very real possibility for me now.  So I began to educate myself about the impact of divorce on kids.  It’s not pretty.  I became more convinced than ever that it was critical for my kids to have a mom and dad who loved each other.  But as the months went by it was becoming clear that a healthy marriage was not in our future.  Staying married seemed impossible.  Getting divorced seemed unthinkable.  During a counseling session our therapist expressed concern for me.  He felt I was deeply depressed.  He said I was becoming a shell of a person.  And it was true.  I had lost the will to live.  I never considered harming myself, but I would have welcomed any opportunity to be free of the pain I was enduring.  I had many, many nights where I would cry out to God.  I would page through my Bible desperate for hope.  I did not know what to do or how to go on. 

But then one day a thought came to my mind.  And the thought was, “if I am becoming a shell of a person, good!  Then Jesus can fill me back up.”  I realized how foolish I had been trying to run my life on my own.  And I joyfully surrendered.  I started praying for God to reveal to me His will and that He would give me the strength to be obedient.  I found so much freedom and peace just putting it all in His hands and giving up control.  I realized that I didn’t have to figure this out on my own, I just had to trust and obey. 

Sadly, my marriage does not have a happy ending.  We are currently in the process of getting divorced.  While the marriage was intensely painful and even abusive, I am grateful for it and I see it as a great mercy.  Here’s what I wrote recently about it:

I always thought of myself as a pretty good person.  But I have done and said things to Brian, cruel things, that I never thought I was even capable of.  I have had to face into the darkness of my heart and realize that I am not good at all.  In fact, I am very broken and desperately need grace.  I need Jesus.  I have realized this truth about myself on a much deeper level and I do not think it would be possible to come to this point apart from these circumstances.  If I had been in a loving, healthy, comfortable marriage I think that I would not know the depths of His love and grace as I do now.  

So now I’m learning what it means to give God authority in my life and how to seek His will.  And I am certain that God has me and my kids in His grip and He’s not letting go.

                       

There and back again

Our trip to Oregon was most successful.  The goal was to spend time with family and make memories and we did both in abundance.  The daffodils and green grass were lovely.  While it did rain a few days we also had some beautiful weather and spent every moment we could outside.  One of the highlights for me happened one evening that the kids decided to chase the sheep through the pastures.  They were laughing like crazy while running through mud and sheep poop when I heard Olivia holler, "You can't hide from me!  I know where you live!!"  I laughed so hard at that one I almost peed my pants.  Good times. 

Here are a few other highlights:

Going to the carousel, twice

A trip to the coast and the Newport Aquarium

Cousin Kinley's first birthday

A spring egg hunt where Olivia and Tristan dashed around the yard collecting as many eggs as possible and Donovan methodically opened each egg when he found it to ohh and ahh over each special prize

And falling asleep exhausted most nights

Oh, and the afternoon with Tiffany (minus kids) where we went shopping and got pedicures wasn't half bad either.  Travelling as the only adult with two young children was quite do-able.  For the most part, the kids were helpful and good listeners.  It helped that our flights were direct and at good times of the day.  They even sat patiently without complaint while I got a pat-down and security at the Portland airport thoroughly searched our bags.  I know I'm biased, but they really are good kids.

p.s. I'm very technically challenged so I'm asking ya'll for help.  Why is the quality of my photos so poor?  They look great on my computer and on Snapfish, but when I insert them into the blog they get all grainy.  Is there any way to improve my photo quality?