Saying Yes

I've noticed something about myself.  When my kids ask me to do something my knee-jerk reaction is typically "no".  It comes out before I even think about it.  They ask, "Can we play outside?"  I say "no", because I don't want to be bothered helping them into their winter gear and then deal with wet snow pants/boots/hats/mittens when they come back inside.  They ask "Can we play with play dough?"  I say "no" because I don't want to have to clean up all those little bits of play dough that end up all over the floor.  They ask, "Can we color with markers?"  I say "no" because I don't want to sit and supervise craft time to make sure that we don't end up with marker on the furniture/walls/floor.  You get the picture.

But it is right for me to deny my kids these experiences when it is just a matter of inconvenience for me?  I wonder how they must feel when they hear my arbitrary "no" over and over again.  Does it make them feel that they are little more than an inconvenience?  Parents can make the mistake of swinging too far the other way and be overly-permissive.  I think it's healthy for kids to hear "no" sometimes so they learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and other people's needs matter too.  Sometimes.  My problem is that I tend to say it far more often than I say "yes".  Plus, when I realize that I've said "no" too hastily and then change my mind, the kids get the idea that they can argue with me every time to get me to change my answer.

So I'm trying to change my tune.  Now when my kids ask me something I try to pause and really ask myself how I want to respond.  And once I answer, I stick to it.  They are starting to hear a lot more "yes" from me, but they are also finding out that my "no" really means no.  But this weekend I realized that I was falling back into my old habits.  I noticed that the kids were whining and arguing with me a lot, which means that they were hearing, "no, well OK, yes" from me.  *sigh*  Parenting is challenging.  Change is hard.  But yes' bring far more joy than nos.  So I'll start anew today and keep trying to say yes.

Watch this...

Wow.  This video gave me such a lift today.  Here is a woman who was severely burned in a plane crash, has faced death numerous times, endured weeks and months and years of painful recovery (with more to come) and yet she skis!  Even in our darkest days we have hope for a future and joy to be found.  It reminds me to never, never, never give up!

Divorce update

Today Brian and I had our third (and hopefully last) mediation session.  The next step is to contact an attorney to draft the official document and file the paperwork.  We also need to complete four classes regarding dissolution and custody that are required by the state of Minnesota.  Once the paperwork is in and the classes are completed then we will just need to wait for the court to finalize the divorce.  Nothing is legally binding yet, but unless something changes I will be getting ownership of the house and the kids primary residence will be with me.  I'll update more as things progress.

Future occupations of a 5 year old

Tonight Olivia informed me, "I want to be 4 things when I grow up: a day care lady, a person who pushes an ice cream cart, a veterinarian and President of the United States."  You go girl!

Handicapped

I used to think that my marriage handicapped me.  Maybe it's true.  Living in near constant emotional turmoil can stifle a girl.  Most days, especially after the kids arrived, I felt I was just trying to survive.  It wasn't that mothering took so much out of me.  The problem was that I did not have a partner.  The person who I was supposed to be able to turn to for help could not be safely approached.  I was parenting alone and that is a terribly lonely place to be when the father is sleeping next to you, claiming to really, truly love you. 

I often wondered if I was made for more.  What was my purpose anyway?  Wasn't there more to life?  Something more meaningful?  How could I possibly pursue a higher purpose when just getting through the day drained me?  There was nothing left to give at the end of the day.  My well was dry.

But now, I think I'm getting a little perspective.  What really handicapped me was my small vision for my life.  I am willing to walk through whatever door God chooses to open for me.  Give my testimony?  Sure!  Get baptised again?  Maybe.  Help others going through divorce?  Perhaps.  This year our church adopted a theme: serve where you're at.  I love that.  I'm coming to see that God can use us, no matter how ill-equipped we feel.  As long as we are in step with His will we cannot fail.  Not in any real sense.

Divorce is part of my story now.  It's a painful chapter to be sure.  But I know that He has a beautiful story to tell through me.  Even when I can't see the good in this, I trust in Him.  I know that I am loved with an unknowable love.  It's been along winter, but spring is right around the corner.

Just Keep Swimming

I was in a Bible Study on Isaiah last year and we studied this familiar passage:

Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40: 30 & 31

During our discussion a friend of mine made a comment that I think on often.  In a nutshell, she said that people tend to focus on the part about the eagles.  Wouldn't it be great to fly like them?  But the part that caught her attention was the last stanza : they will walk and not be faint.  Even when the best that we can do is put one foot in front of the other and walk, the Lord will not allow us to fall.  We can lean on Him.  He will support us.  That is his promise.  So when I feel that I am about to falter, I look to Jesus for my strength and "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." 

Gianna

This is a very powerful video.  It is kind of long, but I urge you to watch the whole thing.  Warning: unless you want to have a discussion with your child about abortion I would not watch this with little eyes and ears present.

Scaredy Cat

Our cat, Sadie, is a big time scaredy cat.  She was a stray that we adopted after she had taken up residence in my co-workers back yard.  At first, she was terrified of us.  We kept her in the garage for a couple of weeks and I would sit with her daily, just reading nearby, hoping that she would warm up to me.  Eventually she worked up the courage to come close enough for me to pet her.  Then she bonded with Brian too. 

When we were sure that she wouldn't run away we began to let her outside.  We let her out every morning and she would often spend the whole day outside before coming inside in the evening.  One evening she didn't come home.  Then the next night she didn't come home either.  We canvased the neighborhood calling for her as we went.  When we got home she was sitting on the back step with a badly mangled leg.  We rushed her to the vet where they amputated the leg.  The vet was pretty certain that she had been attacked by a dog.  We took her home and she quickly learned to get around on three legs.  But she never went outside again. 

After that she and I started playing a game most nights.  I would throw a toy mouse across the room and she would chase after it.  Sometimes she even caught it mid-air.  She would pounce on that thing and tear into it.  But one night the mouse took a bad bounce and hit her square on the nose.  It startled her so that she jumped back and I couldn't help laughing.  But Sadie was not amused.  She never wanted to play the game again.

While she enjoyed being around Brian and I, Sadie never let anyone else pet her.  When we had guests over she would promptly disappear.  When the kids were born she became even more reclusive.  One dear little friend (age 4) recently observed that maybe we should get a new cat since we can never seem to find the one that we have.  Sadie would typically only come out in the evening after the kids were in bed.  On a few occasions she has let Olivia pet her, but it was clearly distressing for her.  Olivia would be such a gentle companion for her, showering her with all the love she could handle, but Sadie won't allow it.  She used to sleep with me every night, but in the past few weeks Donovan has started sleeping with me.  He has become more fearful at night and has a very difficult time falling asleep on his own right now.  So now Sadie won't even come upstairs anymore.  I hear her downstairs at night meowing the loneliest little cry. 

Fear is a healthy and useful emotion.  We all have that self-preservation instinct.  It keeps us safe.  Many days I wish that Donovan had more of it.  But too much fear can hold us back and keep us from experiencing life.  We have to decide in various situations, is it worth the risk?  I wonder if, like Sadie, I am too scarred by my past experiences to ever take a chance on love again.  Certainly, it is far too soon to contemplate any future relationship.  I still have a lot of growing to do first.  But if the opportunity arises, will I risk being hurt or will I take the safe path and hide?  Time will tell.

Evangelizing Donovan

One of their finer moments

Last week I overheard this conversation between my kiddos:

Olivia: Donovan, do you want to ask Jesus into your heart?

Donovan: Yeth (he can't say "s" very well yet)

O: OK, you have to pray about it first.  Do you want to pray?

D: Yeth

O: You have to pray like this.  Close your eyes and put your hands together.  No, Donovan, watch how I do it, pray like sister and say, "Jesus, I know that I am a sinner."

D: I know I am a thinner

O: Good Donovan!  Now say, "I need you to come into my heart and be my savior."  Donovan, sit still. D, you're not listening to sister.

D: I got to go play with my Hot Wheels now.

O: OK, maybe we can pray some more later.

I never knew I had such a little evangelist in my midst!  She was so darn sweet about it all, too.  It was such a blessing to listen in on their special conversation.   Love, love, love those babes.

Silverware Drawer

Yes, I am actually posting about my silverware drawer.  The last few weeks I have been avoiding a number of household tasks in favor of sleep.  But the piles of mail, clutter and toys strewn about were starting to get to me.  One afternoon, I plugged the kids into PBS with a mind to wrestle the mess that had evolved.  Standing in my kitchen, surrounded by dirty dishes, I was over-whelmed to the point of being unable to act.  After milling around for a few minutes, I decided to start with emptying the dishwasher.  I opened the silverware drawer to find this...

Ugh.  This drawer had been bugging me for weeks.  Not only was it so cluttered that I had difficulty finding things, but it was downright dirty.  So, ignoring everything else, I focused on cleaning up that one drawer.  And this was the result...

Aaahhh.  I could breathe again.  The task I had been avoiding for so long only took a matter of minutes to tackle.  Buoyed by my success, I went on to clean the rest of the kitchen, mop and vacuum the floors, put away several loads of laundry (yes, like actually in their designated drawers) and scrub the toilets too!  It's amazing how a small thing can sometimes spur us on to bigger accomplishments.  Watch out fridge, you're next!