Handicapped

I used to think that my marriage handicapped me.  Maybe it's true.  Living in near constant emotional turmoil can stifle a girl.  Most days, especially after the kids arrived, I felt I was just trying to survive.  It wasn't that mothering took so much out of me.  The problem was that I did not have a partner.  The person who I was supposed to be able to turn to for help could not be safely approached.  I was parenting alone and that is a terribly lonely place to be when the father is sleeping next to you, claiming to really, truly love you. 

I often wondered if I was made for more.  What was my purpose anyway?  Wasn't there more to life?  Something more meaningful?  How could I possibly pursue a higher purpose when just getting through the day drained me?  There was nothing left to give at the end of the day.  My well was dry.

But now, I think I'm getting a little perspective.  What really handicapped me was my small vision for my life.  I am willing to walk through whatever door God chooses to open for me.  Give my testimony?  Sure!  Get baptised again?  Maybe.  Help others going through divorce?  Perhaps.  This year our church adopted a theme: serve where you're at.  I love that.  I'm coming to see that God can use us, no matter how ill-equipped we feel.  As long as we are in step with His will we cannot fail.  Not in any real sense.

Divorce is part of my story now.  It's a painful chapter to be sure.  But I know that He has a beautiful story to tell through me.  Even when I can't see the good in this, I trust in Him.  I know that I am loved with an unknowable love.  It's been along winter, but spring is right around the corner.