sorrow

I was trying to come with a name for this blog.  I think that was the most time consuming part of the blog setting-up process.  I really wanted to come up with something that would convey what I most want to share, that there is hope to be found in suffering.  The pain that we experience as part of this human condition has a purpose.  For me, the purpose was to bring me to my knees so that I could set aside my plans and my will to embrace God's will for my life. 

I remember reading these verses as a young woman:

We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.  Romans 5: 3-5

So much good stuff in there.  But my reaction was, "I think I'll pass on that tribulation part." I didn't see any need to suffer.  I was saved!  I already had hope and proven character.  I was a good, Christian girl.  But while I acknowledged that I needed a savior, I could not accept that I also needed a Lord.  I was smart, capable, responsible and I didn't need God mucking up my plans.  And what was my plan?  To have a loving husband, a couple of kids, a nice home, a comfortable life.  Pretty routine really.  What was God's plan for my life?  I never bothered to ask. 

It is true that my marriage has brought me much pain.  Certainly, there are others that have suffered, are suffering, much more than I.  But I've learned a lot about myself through how I responded to the pain.  Here's what I wrote to my parents recently about my insights:

I always thought of myself as a pretty good person.  But I have done and said things to Brian, cruel things, that I never thought I was even capable of.  I have had to face into the darkness of my heart and realize that I am not good at all.  In fact, I am very broken and desperately need grace.  I need Jesus.  I have realized this truth about myself on a much deeper level and I do not think it would be possible to come to this point apart from these circumstances.  God is so wise and so merciful.  I think He knew that this painful marriage would be the only way to break me of my pride.  If I had been in a loving, healthy, comfortable marriage I think that I would not know the depths of His love and grace as I do now.  

That's the kind of sorrow that I'm talking about.  A godly sorrow.  Not sorrow for what has been done to me, but sorrow for my own hardness of heart.  Sorrow that leads to repentance and, ultimately, hope.  Why do I have hope?  "Because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  And hope does not disappoint.