the word

I noticed an interesting trend popping up on blogs around the new year.  People were choosing a word to define 2013 for them.  One blogger that I read regularly chose the word "wonder" because she felt that she was lacking a sense of it and wanted to pursue it this year.  I think it's always good to take some time to reflect on the past and be intentional about the future.  So I've been pondering what my word might be for this year.  I know it is February already so I'm coming late to this dance but it's taken me a bit of time to sort through.  But before I get to this year's word it seems necessary to choose a word to the past few years first.

For 2010 I would have to say that the word that defined the year for me was "broken".  Brian and I separated in February and the whole year was spent struggling in a painful and uncertain situation.  The year ended with confirmation that a divorce was necessary.

I think I would say that "resolve" embodied 2011.  This was the year of finalizing the divorce, separating our stuff, paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork.  I had to just put my head down and get stuff done.

2012 was met with "healing".  The Lord was powerfully present and I was returned to health, mostly. Hallelujah - I'm alive again!

In 2013 I have a feeling that the word will be "restoration".  Broken things are not only repaired, but made new again.  I have hope for a future and know that good things are in store for me.  Not that "good things" means an easy, comfortable, happy all the time sort of life.  In God's economy I believe that "good things" can include sacrifice and suffering and difficulty.  It is in the darkest places that our light shines the brightest.  Whatever He has in store for me I know that he will equip me and never, ever forsake me.  The God of the universe is on his throne and he calls me "beloved".  So I can confidently say,

“The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.
What will man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

nora jane

Welcome to the world Nora Jane!  My sister had her baby last week and we are so delighted. Miss Olivia could not get enough cuddle time with this sweetie.  And yes, she is growing her bangs out.  Very, very painful.

Getting smooched by her big brother.

more on forgiveness

So I've been pondering the name of this blog, wondering if it's time for a change or if I should even keep blogging at all.  It seems to have run its course.  Served its purpose.  But then again, the sorrow seems to keep coming.  Not that anything dramatic has happened, but God keeps changing my heart and it seems to involve more grief, repentance and obedience.  It is good and humbling. 

It started with this gentle voice, "Michelle, it's time to forgive."  I ignored the voice for awhile.  But then I noticed that I seemed to have lost the peace that I once had.  Once you have peace and then it's gone, well, it gets your attention. 

So I asked, "Lord, what's wrong?  Something is amiss." 
"Yes, it is time to forgive."
Insert major digging in of heels.
"No, no way.  I'm not ready.  I want justice!"

But the topic kept popping up.  Conversations with friends.  Songs on the radio.  Convicting Scripture (Matthew 18).  It seems I was being called, maybe even commanded, to forgive. 

So I told Him, "I'm really getting the message that this is something that I need to work on.  But I don't want to.  Not in the least."
"No problem, lets work on changing your desire."
"Ok, but you have to do it Lord.  I'm not interested in even thinking about forgiving.  Can you give me that desire?"
"Beloved, I am God.  Trust me."
***Warning: dangerous prayer alert.  Do not try this at home.****
"Ok, help me to see that ways that I need forgiveness.  Maybe that will soften my heart and make forgiving easier."
"I'm on it."

This started off a series of events in which I have found/am finding myself deeply convicted and humbled by my own sin and daily need for forgiveness.  It grieves me.  But it is a good grief, the kind that leads to repentance and softens hearts.  A kind of sorrow that, hopefully, will give me the strength to forgive.  I'll keep you posted...

forgiveness

This song has been very meaningful to me lately...

first day of school

I know it is well into October already, but I just had to share a couple of pics from the first day of school...

First day of first grade: sign says "I love school"

First day of preschool:

farewell summer

We will miss you, summer.  We will miss your lazy and fun-filled days.  We will miss sleeping in and hanging out in pjs until noon.  We will miss free evenings with no homework, no activities and staying up late.  Until next year...

discipline

We are readers in this house.  I have been reading to the kids since they were babies.  It is part of our bedtime routine every, every, every night.  After the kids have their pjs on they can each pick out a book (sometimes 2 depending on if we have to be up early or not) and we gather together in the big bed for story time, then snuggles, then sweet dreams. 

Problem was, one night last week, Donovan was refusing to get his pjs on.  He just had better things to do I guess.  So after asking him to comply a couple of times, after warning him a couple of times, after getting down and looking directly in his face and saying "get your jammies on now or else you will have a consequence that you do not like", he still was naked as the day he came into this world.  Perhaps I gave him too many chances, too many warnings.  Perhaps he didn't believe that the consequence would ever come.  But it did.

I do not read stories to kids who don't listen.  No reading for you tonight. 

WHAT!?! 

You would have thought that I cut off his arm the way he was carrying on.  But these tears were the real thing.  Poor kid could hardly catch his breath long enough to brush his teeth with the tears still streaming down.  He was wailing, sobbing, begging for story time.  He said, "this is breaking my heart, mama."  And he was breaking mine.  The sobbing continued for 30 solid minutes.  Every time he said, "Please, please mama!  Just one story!  Don't you love me anymore?" I totally wanted to cave.  He wasn't being manipulative, just expressing his sincere feelings and I wanted to give into his pleading more than anything.  But I held firm.  I knew that he needed a consequence that hurt if he was to learn how to listen and obey.  Giving in to his begging would hurt, not help him in the long run.  So I cried with him and scratched his back until he finally cried himself to sleep.

But during those long moments I had a vision of sorts of a father in heaven looking down and crying with his children in pain.  Maybe we are experiencing pain as a result of our poor choices.  Maybe our painful circumstances are completely random and undeserved.  Maybe He is withholding something we long for because he knows it is not best for us or he has a better plan.  I often don't understand why difficulties come and what purpose they serve.  All of this remains a great mystery to me.  But there are a few things that I am certain of.  My father in heaven is good and loving and merciful.  He is powerful enough to change any circumstance and any heart.  Yet in his wisdom he often doesn't intervene.  When I find myself asking, "Why?  Where are you God?" I have to remember that He is crying with me.  While He understands the purpose of our pain, that doesn't mean that he likes it.  

Hebrews 12

 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

⁴ In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” ^{(Proverbs 3:11 & 12)} 

⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline —then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

stealing

Hey ya'll.  I'm stealing this post from another blog.  It spoke to me so I just have to share.

The will of God will never take you...
where the grace of God cannot keep you, where the arms of God cannot support you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you...
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, where the wisdom of God cannot teach you, where the army of God cannot protect you, where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you...
where the love of God cannot enfold you, where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, where the peace of God cannot calm your fears, where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you...
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, where the Word of God cannot feed you, where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

– Author Unknown

shoes

On the last day of Kindergarten I took Donovan with me to run a few errands. We went to Gander Mountain to get a fishing license in preparation of our upcoming trip to the lake. Always a sucker for a good deal, I was drawn to the shoe rack marked "clearance". I found a pair that I liked in my size and decided to grab them. I knew I was pressing my luck with Donovan. Toting a 4 year old boy around on boring errands is a fast way to use up his reserve of good behavior. So I bought them without trying them on.

Even on clearance, $60 is a lot of money for me to spend on a pair of shoes. I have to really like them, they have to fill a purpose that my other shoes do not, and they have to feel good when I wear them. For a week the shoes sat on my counter. I really liked them. I mean I really, really liked them. I knew they would be durable and great in all kinds of weather. They were attractive in a funky sort of way. I liked what shoes like that would say about me.

But here's the kicker, they didn't feel good. Yes, they were the right size, but the right one felt too narrow and the left one rubbed painfully on my ankle bone. Plus they seemed to look more dorky than funky on me. I wore them around the house for an hour, hoping they would get better with time. I told myself, "maybe they just need to break in a little". I wanted them to feel good.  I wanted them to be a perfect fit.  I wanted them say to the world, "here's an out-doorsy, hip, yet sensible girl." But no amount of time would make them feel better. I finally admitted defeat. I knew they would just end up stuck in my closet never seeing the light of day. They went back to Gander Mountain the next day.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want it, the shoe just doesn't fit.

what we did

today...

last week...

last month...

call to action

Here's another video, but this one's pretty serious.  It moved my heart, but will it move me to action? 

need a laugh?

Check this out.  I laughed so hard!

preparation

While I was busy packing for our trip to Mexico Olivia decided to make her own list of essential items.  I just came across it a couple of days ago and it sure made me smile.  I especially love how nearly every item has a drawing to accompany it.  And there is a special area to remind us to take bunny to a friend's house for the week.  Can you tell that she just learned about apostrophes?  Hope you can read it! 

Here's the translation:
sunscreen
pjs
blankies
swimsuits
clothes
posh toys (stuffed animals)
toys
my barbies
books
movies
floaties (for swimming)
cars mat
cars
babies
crayons
coloring books
lip gloss

vacation

At the end of February the kids and I few to Cancun to spend a week vacationing with my parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephew.  The kids were super psyched to see "actual palm trees with actual coconuts", the long white beach and myriad of pools.  They were both shocked by the taste of salty ocean water which Olivia described as "totally disgusting", but that didn't keep them out of the water for too long.  When asked about their favorite part of the trip Olivia said "swimming in the pool and ocean every day."  Donovan said "mommy's Kindle".  Silly boy.  Seriously though, they especially has a ball with their cousin Sam who is just the sweetest little boy.  It was a fun and relaxing trip with no agenda except to have fun and relax.  And thanks to frequent flier miles and my parent's time-share condo it was just about the cheapest vacation ever.

full circle

This weekend I...

• mourned at a funeral
• danced at a party
• stayed up late
• went to bed early
• had a lazy morning cuddling my kiddos on the couch
• had a productive afternoon (4 loads of laundry & a batch of soup)
• did my taxes
• caught up on The Office with a glass of wine

It's been a full circle kinda weekend.  How was your weekend?

changes

Can't believe it's been almost two months since my last post.  And I'm not neglecting this blog for lack of material.  Plenty has happened in those two months.  Like...

I had to put the cat to sleep
We had a really lovely Christmas
My dear Grandma Ruthie passed away
Brian's engaged
The kids and I have been sick, sick, sick
I fell on the ice and injured my backside

So you see, I have plenty to talk about.  But I have been processing it mostly by myself and through prayer.  So far 2012 has been a season of quiet reflection.  When I find my voice again I will certainly share it.

from the mouth of Donovan

Donovan spotted a Christmas wreath at my parents house and said, "Oh grandma, you put up your Christmas tire!"
                                                                                                                                 

Holding up a bent finger he pointed to his knuckle and said, "mommy, is this my finger knee?"

miss o

It's been an eventful couple of months for my girl.  She...can now pump on the swings and get all the way across the monkey bars (even the wobbly triangle ones).  Got her ears pierced and lost her first tooth.

 Got a pet bunny.

Traded her preschool crush for a kindergarten one (sorry Ryder, but Jack is also very talented on the monkey bars).  Receive a superb first report card.  Is an accomplished bus rider.  And recently turned six.

Olivia, you are a great joy.  You are growing and gaining confidence every day.  Never forget how loved you are.

mamas epilogue

Boy, that last post sure was long!  Congrats if you made it all the way through.  Shortly after I posted it I heard a song with the line, "Break my heart till it moves my hands and feet."  Nuf said.

mamas the world over

A few nights ago my daughter went to bed hungry.  Of the four items served for dinner she decided that she only liked one and rejected everything else.  So I gave her my standard reply, "That's fine if you choose not to eat your dinner, but remember that you won't get any snacks this evening."  Apparently she found the meal so horrid that she immediately accepted my terms and was excused from the table to play with her new Barbies. 

The evening passed and her brother (who ate his dinner) got a bedtime snack and quickly drifted off to sleep.  Olivia was exhausted from her busy day so I assumed that she was fast asleep too.  I busied myself with chores around the house and an hour later I heard her crying in her room.  "I'm so tired, but I can't fall asleep because I'm so hungry!" she wailed.  She wanted cereal.  I offered left-overs.  She wanted toast.  I offered left-overs.  I pleasantly informed her, "I love you too much to argue with you, honey.  I'm going down to the kitchen to do the dishes.  If you decide to come down I will be glad to get you some left-overs," and then I left her room.  A few minutes later she dragged her tired little body down the stairs.  After a few bites of this and that plus some milk the kid practically fell asleep at the table.

Later, when I was in bed praying, I got to thinking about all kids the world over who go to bed every night with empty bellies and their mamas who are unable to sooth their cries.  How do those babes get to sleep at night with hunger gnawing at them?  How do their mothers survive the torture of hearing their little ones cry for food and being utterly helpless to feed them?  I try to put myself in their shoes.  What if Olivia was crying that night, but there were no left-overs to be had?  I imagine myself laying beside her and telling her, "I am so sorry love, but there is no food.  Go to sleep.  Hush.  Hush.  Go to sleep.  Maybe tomorrow we will eat."  And my heart broke wide open.  I wonder, why are some born into nations, communities, families that have plenty and others born into such hopeless poverty? 

And what is my responsibility in all this?  Compared to many in America I don't live an extravagant lifestyle, but compared to most of the world I live in a mansion.  I've realized that the only true yard-stick I can use to accurately measure my life by is God's Word.  And what does it tell me? In the book of Luke Jesus said,

 “Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.”  And He told them a parable, saying, “The land of a rich man was very productive.  And he began reasoning to himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?’  Then he said, ‘This is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods.  And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry.”’  But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?’  So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”   And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say toyou, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.  For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing."  v. 15-23

 

 “Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." v. 33-34

 

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more." v. 48

For those of us who have plenty these are difficult teachings.  I don't want to give up my sense of security that comes with my stuff, even if I know it is false.  But in this same passage Jesus tenderly says, "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom." v. 32.  Can I trust God to provide for me and my children?  Will I take a risk banking on Him to come through for me?  What will I do when I am tempted to buy something I don't need?  Can I be honest with myself and realize that most of what I buy I don't really need?  

 

I think for some believers that heart change comes fast and furious.  For me, it comes slowly and gently like a whisper.  I am learning to train my ear to that whisper.  I am learning to be obedient when the whisper is clear.  I am learning to be patient and wait when it is not.  And I am failing at all of this every day.  But I am pressing on, keeping in mind the reality of the poverty and darkness in this world.  Yes Lord, I have plenty.  I pray that I will be up to the task when much is required.  Keep changing my heart so that I may recognize your voice and be willing to act with a grateful heart.