"self care": deception or necessity?

So I've been thinking about this concept of "self care" for awhile and I just don't know what to think about it.  I hear people talk about needing "me time" and it's kind of off-putting for me.  I'm probably over-reacting due to my history with Brian, a self care junkie.  But when I read my Bible I find a lot of stuff about self-denial and taking up my cross.  And I see Jesus spending time alone with his father, but I don't remember ever reading about Jesus taking a spa day.  Can you imagine?  "I'm sorry.  I know you've been suffering with this terrible affliction for years, but I'm taking a day off from miracles today.  I just need to practice some self care.  I'm sure you understand."

Now I know it's not fair to expect people to live at that level of self-denial.  Jesus was God after all.  But I am called to be Christ-like, right?  Don't get me wrong, I take time for myself too.  I admit that I get a monthly massage and sometimes I tell my kids, "no, I can't read you that story cuz I'm really into this People Magazine."  There are days that I feel like I'm going to scream if I hear, "mom will you get this, do that, help me NOW," one more time.  But being a mom has forced me to grow up and put my needs and wants aside.  Motherhood is teaching me what "dying to self" is all about.  And I like being a grown up.  In my experience, going to God to fill my cup works much better than shopping therapy.

I just wonder if we are getting too focused on self care rather than giving of ourselves.  Is this an idea that comes from God or from the world?  Are we deceiving ourselves?  Is someone else deceiving us to distract us from the life giving work that we could be doing?  When I stand before my maker is he going to pat me on the back and say, "you did a really good job of taking care of yourself"?  Doubt it.  But on the other hand, God recognizes the importance of rest.  Maybe we just need to take the idea of Sabbath more seriously?  What do you think?  I'd love to talk about it. 

Know your God

This weekend I was blessed to attend an amazing conference with Kay Arthur as the main speaker.  She spoke truth to us, to me.  She does not hold back.  She is willing to say the hard things, with love.  And they were things I needed to hear.  Probably the biggest point that I came away with was the importance of studying the Bible.  Several times Kay mentioned the verse Daniel 11:32, "the people who know their God will display strength and take action."  How can we know our God unless we are earnestly seeking Him?  When we study the living word for ourselves and we know, deeply know our God then we will be able to discern what is true, what is right and what is wrong.  In that knowledge of Him we will be able to stand firm and even take action.  But we have to put in the time and effort to dig deep.  The God of the universe has provided us with a book written by Him, about Him.  Why am I not driven to pour over my Bible night and day?  How can I become Christ-like if I don't know what Christ is like?  Oh Lord, change my heart today so that I am compelled to pursue you, so that I might love you with my whole heart without reservation.

Divorce update

We have decided on an attorney to file the paperwork and I will be meeting with him next week.  Since everything was decided in mediation this next step is a legal formality.  While we were in Oregon Brian moved out most of the furniture that he is keeping.  We are now working on dividing up the smaller items.  E-mail has been a terrific tool for communicating with minimal conflict. 

The kids have also started spending their time with Brian at his apartment rather than at the house.  Tonight will be their second over-night visit there.  So, far they seem to be weathering these changes well, but I am keeping a close eye on them.  Olivia has expressed confusion about the situation saying, "moms and dads are married so how will you guys still be my mom and dad if you aren't married anymore?"  I take every opportunity to re-assure, comfort and keep the lines of communication wide open.  Of course, every time someone has a bad day I worry that it's because of the divorce.  It's so hard to know why they do what they do.  Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day.

Broken hearts

I read this post today and it rings true for me.  I think it's when our hearts are broken that Jesus gets in down deep.  The mask falls away and we are exposed.  We are real.  No longer able to stand with our own strength we learn that, if we turn to Him, He is fully able to sustain us, support us, deliver us.  He alone can meet every need.  And He does.   Enjoy...

Arrows piercing the darkness

I am reading a fabulous book that has me quite inspired.  The book is One Million Arrows: Raising Your Children to Change the World by Julie Ferwerda.  I have been so bogged down lately reading about how to help my kids survive this divorce and mitigate the damage.  But this book is giving me a vision for me and my kids.  God has a purpose for all of us.  He wants to use our stories to reach the world, each life carefully crafted for a reason, a mission.  This book has made me realize that I am selling my kids short.  They will survive, but will they thrive?  Will they leave a mark?  Will they passionately live out their unique calling and find the fulfillment that comes with it?  And how will they learn to follow God's lead if I don't set the example?  Thank you God for this book and how it is changing my heart.

Testify

I haven't blogged in awhile because I have been consumed with preparing my testimony.  I recently gave it to a group of women who meet weekly for various Bible studies (me included).  They were an easy and supportive crowd, but I was still terrified.  Still, it was important for me to do and I am grateful for the opportunity.  My hope is that my story will glorify God and minister to others.  Here's what I said:

I grew up in a conservative Lutheran church.  As kids my sister and I started learning about Jesus from a very young age.  My parents were wonderful servants of the church and we were one of those families that was always there.  They did everything from pulling weeds to leading the youth group to serving on the elder board.  They were also both frequently involved in Bible studies.  I have always believed that Jesus was the son of God, but it didn’t become personal for me until a Good Friday service when I was about 16.  I suddenly realized that Jesus died this horrific death for me.  And I think that was the moment that I really accepted the grace being offered to me. 

            When I went to college I was very involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship.  During my sophomore year I had a crisis of faith.  I was grappling with some pretty big theological questions and having a very difficult time believing in a loving God when there was so much pain and suffering in the world.  I questioned if this religion that I had been immersed in my entire life was the real deal.  So I decided to try life without Jesus.  I didn’t dramatically change my lifestyle.  All it really meant in my daily life was that I stopped going to Bible study and church.  I talked a lot with my roommate and friend about my doubts and concerns.  One night she came home from a worship service very excited because she was given a vision.  This type of thing had never happened to either of us before, but she said that she had a vision of me turned away from God with him standing behind me holding his arms around me.  That had a huge impact on me.  Shortly after that I came back to the faith, but my time of honest doubting was critical for my spiritual growth. 

            While I had known Jesus as my savior for many years I had never accepted him as my Lord.  I was clueless about how to seek God’s will for my life.  Besides, I thought I had a pretty good plan in place for myself and when I would read in my Bible about surrendering to Jesus as my lord and master I would resist.  Looking back it was almost like I tried to strike a bargain with God like, “ok, I’ll follow you and do my best to live rightly, but this is how my life is gonna go, got it God?”  In fact, when I became engaged I didn’t even pray about it.  It just didn’t occur to me that maybe I should consult God about this huge decision. 

            Right from the start my marriage to Brian was very troubled and I was angry at God about it.  I was a good Christian girl who married a good Christian guy and this very painful and unhealthy marriage was not what I signed up for.  Funny how I didn’t even bother to ask God if marrying this guy was a good idea, but I still blamed Him for how badly things were turning out.   For many years as I struggled to survive in my marriage I stopped praying, stopped reading my Bible, and when we moved to Rochester we stopped going to church.  Spiritually, my life was in the dead of winter for about 10 years.  But I took my marriage vows very seriously and I tried to make the best of it.  Ultimately, I just became resigned to the situation.

            While they are a tremendous blessing, having children did not improve the marriage.  In fact, it got much worse.  But my kids did compel me work on the marriage again.  I felt they deserved better so when our second child was a baby I insisted that we go to marriage counseling and Brian agreed.  It was also around this time that I began to search God out again.  We joined a couples Bible study, started attending church sporadically and I signed up for MOPS.  I was beginning to grow friendships with godly women.  I prayed sometimes.

After a year of consistent counseling nothing had substantially changed.  I began to contemplate asking for a separation.  I agonized over this for a year while we continued our counseling.  I desperately wanted my children to have an intact family, but I knew that growing up in such an unhealthy home would damage them as well.  And I had come to deeply despise my husband.  Two years after beginning counseling I told him that I wanted a separation, but my hope was that it would lead to a healthy and loving marriage, not divorce. 

In February 2010 Brian moved out.  While I hoped for a restored marriage, I realized that divorce was a very real possibility for me now.  So I began to educate myself about the impact of divorce on kids.  It’s not pretty.  I became more convinced than ever that it was critical for my kids to have a mom and dad who loved each other.  But as the months went by it was becoming clear that a healthy marriage was not in our future.  Staying married seemed impossible.  Getting divorced seemed unthinkable.  During a counseling session our therapist expressed concern for me.  He felt I was deeply depressed.  He said I was becoming a shell of a person.  And it was true.  I had lost the will to live.  I never considered harming myself, but I would have welcomed any opportunity to be free of the pain I was enduring.  I had many, many nights where I would cry out to God.  I would page through my Bible desperate for hope.  I did not know what to do or how to go on. 

But then one day a thought came to my mind.  And the thought was, “if I am becoming a shell of a person, good!  Then Jesus can fill me back up.”  I realized how foolish I had been trying to run my life on my own.  And I joyfully surrendered.  I started praying for God to reveal to me His will and that He would give me the strength to be obedient.  I found so much freedom and peace just putting it all in His hands and giving up control.  I realized that I didn’t have to figure this out on my own, I just had to trust and obey. 

Sadly, my marriage does not have a happy ending.  We are currently in the process of getting divorced.  While the marriage was intensely painful and even abusive, I am grateful for it and I see it as a great mercy.  Here’s what I wrote recently about it:

I always thought of myself as a pretty good person.  But I have done and said things to Brian, cruel things, that I never thought I was even capable of.  I have had to face into the darkness of my heart and realize that I am not good at all.  In fact, I am very broken and desperately need grace.  I need Jesus.  I have realized this truth about myself on a much deeper level and I do not think it would be possible to come to this point apart from these circumstances.  If I had been in a loving, healthy, comfortable marriage I think that I would not know the depths of His love and grace as I do now.  

So now I’m learning what it means to give God authority in my life and how to seek His will.  And I am certain that God has me and my kids in His grip and He’s not letting go.

                       

There and back again

Our trip to Oregon was most successful.  The goal was to spend time with family and make memories and we did both in abundance.  The daffodils and green grass were lovely.  While it did rain a few days we also had some beautiful weather and spent every moment we could outside.  One of the highlights for me happened one evening that the kids decided to chase the sheep through the pastures.  They were laughing like crazy while running through mud and sheep poop when I heard Olivia holler, "You can't hide from me!  I know where you live!!"  I laughed so hard at that one I almost peed my pants.  Good times. 

Here are a few other highlights:

Going to the carousel, twice

A trip to the coast and the Newport Aquarium

Cousin Kinley's first birthday

A spring egg hunt where Olivia and Tristan dashed around the yard collecting as many eggs as possible and Donovan methodically opened each egg when he found it to ohh and ahh over each special prize

And falling asleep exhausted most nights

Oh, and the afternoon with Tiffany (minus kids) where we went shopping and got pedicures wasn't half bad either.  Travelling as the only adult with two young children was quite do-able.  For the most part, the kids were helpful and good listeners.  It helped that our flights were direct and at good times of the day.  They even sat patiently without complaint while I got a pat-down and security at the Portland airport thoroughly searched our bags.  I know I'm biased, but they really are good kids.

p.s. I'm very technically challenged so I'm asking ya'll for help.  Why is the quality of my photos so poor?  They look great on my computer and on Snapfish, but when I insert them into the blog they get all grainy.  Is there any way to improve my photo quality?