who am i?

I've been hearing this song by Jason Gray on the radio a lot lately.  I especially love this part:

Forgiven, beloved
Hidden in Christ
Made in the image of the Giver of Life
Righteous and holy, reborn and remade
Accepted and worthy
This is our new name
This is who we are now...

I know this is who I am in my head, but I want to feel it deep in my bones, in my soul.  For now, I'll settle for trusting and waiting.  O God, I thank you for your blessings.  Please make your love for me more real each day. 

happy birthday to me

I've had a great birthday - the best in a long time.  The weather was gorgeous all day.  Cards and phone calls let me know folks were thinking of me.  My mom took Olivia shopping for a beautiful hanging basket for me.  I had a 90 minute massage while my dear friend Suzanne watched my crabby kids.  I took a nap in the afternoon while said crabby-kins watched PBS.  Then we went to lovely Maureen's house for a fabulous meal with fabulous company while our fabulous kids ran around in the yard.  And DQ ice cream cake to top it off.  I am blessed to be sure.

court date

Since Brian and I do not have separate attorneys representing us (to save $) we will have a short hearing on July 14.  After that it's just waiting for the divorce to be finalized.  I am ready.  We have finally separated the last of our possessions.  I think that Olivia is struggling a lot with a fear of the unknown so I hope that it will help to be able to tell her, "see, the divorce is done and your life has not significantly changed."  The end is in sight.

girl talk

I'm hosting a women's Bible study this summer with some friends already near and dear and some new women in my life.  We are going through a book called "Girl Talk: A Modern Girl's Bible Study".  I thought it was going to be pretty fluffy and easy for the summer, but it turns out to be quite meaty.  Last night I was reading a section about the pain of childhood and the importance of dealing with it in order to have healthy relationships.  But I felt it was an answer to my prayers related to my divorce. 

I find my self frequently crying out, "God, I feel so damaged.  How will I ever heal?  Will I ever be capable of a healthy relationship?"  This is what I read:

We serve a God who is a Healer, a Father, a Comforter, a Restorer.  It's His specialty.  He is uniquely close to the broken-hearted.  He is capable of breaking the cycle in your life if you'll let Him.  He's no intruder; God must be invited into your brokenness.  He can teach you what healthy relationships look like, and He can restore intimacy into the very places it seems unrecoverable.

I'm so very glad to be reminded again that what seems impossible to me is not impossible to God.  He is more than able to do a mighty work in me.  He already is.

happiness

I am working on some basement improvements and yesterday I had a contractor over to take a look.  He did our bathroom re-model in our first house about 6 years ago.  As we were discussing the project he said, "talk it over with Brian and let me know what you guys want to do."  ugh.  I hate this part.  The part where you kinda-sorta know someone, but not well enough so that they have any clue that your marriage is breaking up.  I don't hate it for how it makes me feel anymore, rather for how they feel.

So I said, "well, we are in the process of a divorce so I'm the only one making the decisions this time."  He was shocked and felt terrible.  It was the look on his face and the fact that he said, "I'm shocked!  I feel so bad that I said that!" that revealed his inner feelings.  (I know, I know, I'm so insightful :) )  Then he proceeded to tell me about how he and his wife separated for about 6 months, but now they are back together and their relationship is the best it's ever been.  I was truly so happy to hear that a separation helped him.  Therapeutic separation really does work sometimes.  It doesn't have to be just a prelude to divorce.  Anyway, I told him not to feel bad, that I was at peace with the situation. 

As he left he said over his shoulder, "as long as you're happy that's the most important thing."  I wanted to run after him and say, "no, actually, happiness is not the most important thing.  In fact, it's far from the most important thing.  Do you really think I would allow my family to go down on flames over mere unhappiness?" 

As humans, we seem to be confused about this happiness issue.  We all want it and will do just about anything to get it, but in the end we are just chasing a dream that never materializes.  When we get what we think will make us truly happy we always end up wanting more, newer, better.  As Christians, we will be bitterly disappointed if we expect happiness from life.  God never promises happiness.  If we pursue a Christ-like life He promises peace and joy in the inner self, but not happiness. 

Jesus said, "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."  (John 10:10)  So how do we define "abundant life"?  Bit by bit I am getting a taste it and I find it is something far more satisfying than happiness.  It is water that leaves us quenched, food that leaves us sated.  Do you know this kind of life, friend?  What is life-giving to you?

waiting

When I get anxious, wanting life to hurry up, wanting to move on, this is the stuff that sustains me:

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:5-8)

summer fun

We've been having a heat wave here with temps close to 100 and high humidity.  So this is how we cool down...

Popsicles help too.  Many, many popsicles.