the little things

A while back, after Brian and I had separated all of our stuff, I did an inventory of my tools.  I found that I had no hammer.  No wrenches.  No box cutter.  No tape measure.  But I did have 3 channel lock tools.  Go figure.  So I made a Home Depot list and headed out.  Before I got to the store I spied signs for garage sales and I just had to stop.  Can't ever pass up a good bargain!  At one of the sales I found a good quality hammer and a brand-new tape measure for just 3 bucks!  Every time I use that hammer I think of this:

Do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?  And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?  And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!  Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’  For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.   Matthew 6: 25-34

God knew that I needed a hammer and tape measure.  The moment that I saw them it was like I'd received a love note from heaven.  Even the little things He provides.  As I step out in faith to pursue the things that I believe I was made for, I do experience fear and anxiety.  But when I get to fretting I take a look in my tool box and remember that I have a father in heaven who cares deeply for me.  There is freedom in putting it all in His hands and letting go of the worry.

a done deal

I got notification from the attorney on Sat that the divorce was finalized last week.  Now it's just a matter of tying up loose ends with transfer of ownership of the house.  So that's that.

court appearance

We had the court appearance today.  It was short and kind of anti-climactic.  I did have to raise my right hand and "testify under oath".  After about 10 minutes of questions the judge signed off on the Marital Termination Agreement.  Next, the court administrator will need to sign it (which takes 1-2 weeks) and then the divorce is final.  Brian was quite emotional.  I was not.  I am ready for this.

July 4th

The kiddos and I had a great holiday at the lake.  We were able to stay three nights.  The last night there they were so tired that D fell asleep on grandpa's lap right after dinner and O put herself to bed.  We had great weather and spent a lot of time outside. 

Fishing in PJs

Riding in the golf cart

Rafting

Dancing like a rock star

Enjoying the campfire

And practicing casting off the porch

We also got some great fireworks from the South Dakota side of the lake.  It was Donovan's first fishing attempt, first time rafting and also his first fireworks, all of which he thoroughly enjoyed.  Add in a few naps, great food, terrific company and a couple gin & tonics and it adds up to a pretty perfect weekend.

she reads, etc.

A few weeks ago I got out some beginning reader books to work on with Olivia.  With very minimal assistance she was able to read each one.  At one point she looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm a reader!  I cracked the code!"  Since then she has been working hard at it.  The other night she was reading before bed and I went in to tell her it was time to put her book down and go to sleep.  She complained, "But I never get enough time to read!"  That was music to this mama's ears.

 We went to church last night and the message centered around Micah 6:8

 He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?  NASB

Some versions say "mercy" rather than "kindness".  At any rate, the teacher explained that this word indicated an undeserved kindness.  A blessing your enemies kinda thing.  God calls us to let our light shine and blessing those who have hurt us most is incredibly life-giving for them, and us too.  Forgiveness heals both parties.  He challenged us to think of someone who has wronged us and to reach out to them in kindness this week.  Immediately, Brian came to mind.  

So I started thinking of ways to show kindness to Brian.  Honestly, I was coming up short.  But I prayed that I would be open to any nudging God gave me.  Tonight he called around dinner time (Brian, not God).  The kids and I were enjoying our corn on the cob and no one was very enthusiastic about talking to him.  I hung up and then I got the nudge.  I had an extra ear of corn in the pot, plenty of extra chicken.  So I asked the kids, "Do you think we should ask daddy over for dinner?"  Their eyes lit up like 4th of July fireworks.  "Daddy, come eat with us?  All of us together?" Olivia asked like it was a miraculous idea.  So I called him back and invited him over.  And he accepted.

The kids were so excited to have us all together they could hardly eat.  Olivia talked non-stop and Donovan tried to squeeze in a few words when she took a breath.  They couldn't wait until dinner was over so they could show him their new scooter tricks.  He had to work tonight so he didn't stay long, but I think it was worth it.  He called me a bit ago to thank me for the invitation.  Did I shine a little light in his life today?  I hope so.  I know without a doubt that I did for my kids.  As for me?  I'm glad I didn't stop to think it through before I invited him because I probably would have changed my mind.  Brian is still Brian, always will be.  While I still long for an intact family for my kids, I am confident that this divorce is necessary.  But I truly do hope that someday we can be friends.

epilogue to over-whelmed

Well, after my last post I went upstairs to indulge in some Ethan Hawke movie when I was drawn to the back porch.  Dozens of fireflies flitted about the backyard.  What a gift!  I promptly turned off the TV and settled in to enjoy the night.  The fireflies blink blink blinked their message across the twilight sky (my favorite kind of sky).  The summer night smelled delicious.  My Mirror Pond Ale went down smooth.  Young lovers walked through the park laughing and holding hands.  I was alone, but not lonely.  I am loved by a holy God.  Life is good.

over-whelmed

The 4th was a great weekend, but I hit the ground running the moment we got back and haven't stopped yet.  I am burdened by the piles of laundry, mail, dirty dishes, a water softener that plagues me with problems, poopy underpants.  The kids' needs press in on me.  They whine, they bicker, they dis-obey.  They are kids and they cannot help it, but it grates on me tonight.  I can hear the edge in my voice as I actually say, "Because I said so!  End of discussion!"  I fail to discipline effectively, if at all. 

I cannot get the dishwasher loaded without pausing twice to mediate a dispute.  Trying to start a load of laundry nets me 3 interruptions.  This is the part of motherhood that slays me: I am unable to complete virtually any task that I begin.  Other needs always take priority.  The sun cannot go down fast enough.  I pray for patience, patience and more patience.  Even Olivia's delightfully imaginative play doesn't amuse me tonight.  My only desire is for their eyes to close and not open until morning.  And I hate all these feelings, the wishing away of precious moments so that I can get some relief from the pressure, just a little time to put life back together. 

Finally, the day comes to a close.  The dishes are mostly done.  The junk mail is in the recycling, but the bills remain unopened.  There is laundry in the washer, the dryer and in baskets waiting to be folded (tomorrow).  The water softener has a new puddle beneath it.  The children sleep, hopefully unscathed by their mother's inability to parent tonight.  And I crack a beer and jump on the blogosphere.  If I were wise I would go to bed right now.  I think I will probably watch some mindless TV instead.