Testify

I haven't blogged in awhile because I have been consumed with preparing my testimony.  I recently gave it to a group of women who meet weekly for various Bible studies (me included).  They were an easy and supportive crowd, but I was still terrified.  Still, it was important for me to do and I am grateful for the opportunity.  My hope is that my story will glorify God and minister to others.  Here's what I said:

I grew up in a conservative Lutheran church.  As kids my sister and I started learning about Jesus from a very young age.  My parents were wonderful servants of the church and we were one of those families that was always there.  They did everything from pulling weeds to leading the youth group to serving on the elder board.  They were also both frequently involved in Bible studies.  I have always believed that Jesus was the son of God, but it didn’t become personal for me until a Good Friday service when I was about 16.  I suddenly realized that Jesus died this horrific death for me.  And I think that was the moment that I really accepted the grace being offered to me. 

            When I went to college I was very involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship.  During my sophomore year I had a crisis of faith.  I was grappling with some pretty big theological questions and having a very difficult time believing in a loving God when there was so much pain and suffering in the world.  I questioned if this religion that I had been immersed in my entire life was the real deal.  So I decided to try life without Jesus.  I didn’t dramatically change my lifestyle.  All it really meant in my daily life was that I stopped going to Bible study and church.  I talked a lot with my roommate and friend about my doubts and concerns.  One night she came home from a worship service very excited because she was given a vision.  This type of thing had never happened to either of us before, but she said that she had a vision of me turned away from God with him standing behind me holding his arms around me.  That had a huge impact on me.  Shortly after that I came back to the faith, but my time of honest doubting was critical for my spiritual growth. 

            While I had known Jesus as my savior for many years I had never accepted him as my Lord.  I was clueless about how to seek God’s will for my life.  Besides, I thought I had a pretty good plan in place for myself and when I would read in my Bible about surrendering to Jesus as my lord and master I would resist.  Looking back it was almost like I tried to strike a bargain with God like, “ok, I’ll follow you and do my best to live rightly, but this is how my life is gonna go, got it God?”  In fact, when I became engaged I didn’t even pray about it.  It just didn’t occur to me that maybe I should consult God about this huge decision. 

            Right from the start my marriage to Brian was very troubled and I was angry at God about it.  I was a good Christian girl who married a good Christian guy and this very painful and unhealthy marriage was not what I signed up for.  Funny how I didn’t even bother to ask God if marrying this guy was a good idea, but I still blamed Him for how badly things were turning out.   For many years as I struggled to survive in my marriage I stopped praying, stopped reading my Bible, and when we moved to Rochester we stopped going to church.  Spiritually, my life was in the dead of winter for about 10 years.  But I took my marriage vows very seriously and I tried to make the best of it.  Ultimately, I just became resigned to the situation.

            While they are a tremendous blessing, having children did not improve the marriage.  In fact, it got much worse.  But my kids did compel me work on the marriage again.  I felt they deserved better so when our second child was a baby I insisted that we go to marriage counseling and Brian agreed.  It was also around this time that I began to search God out again.  We joined a couples Bible study, started attending church sporadically and I signed up for MOPS.  I was beginning to grow friendships with godly women.  I prayed sometimes.

After a year of consistent counseling nothing had substantially changed.  I began to contemplate asking for a separation.  I agonized over this for a year while we continued our counseling.  I desperately wanted my children to have an intact family, but I knew that growing up in such an unhealthy home would damage them as well.  And I had come to deeply despise my husband.  Two years after beginning counseling I told him that I wanted a separation, but my hope was that it would lead to a healthy and loving marriage, not divorce. 

In February 2010 Brian moved out.  While I hoped for a restored marriage, I realized that divorce was a very real possibility for me now.  So I began to educate myself about the impact of divorce on kids.  It’s not pretty.  I became more convinced than ever that it was critical for my kids to have a mom and dad who loved each other.  But as the months went by it was becoming clear that a healthy marriage was not in our future.  Staying married seemed impossible.  Getting divorced seemed unthinkable.  During a counseling session our therapist expressed concern for me.  He felt I was deeply depressed.  He said I was becoming a shell of a person.  And it was true.  I had lost the will to live.  I never considered harming myself, but I would have welcomed any opportunity to be free of the pain I was enduring.  I had many, many nights where I would cry out to God.  I would page through my Bible desperate for hope.  I did not know what to do or how to go on. 

But then one day a thought came to my mind.  And the thought was, “if I am becoming a shell of a person, good!  Then Jesus can fill me back up.”  I realized how foolish I had been trying to run my life on my own.  And I joyfully surrendered.  I started praying for God to reveal to me His will and that He would give me the strength to be obedient.  I found so much freedom and peace just putting it all in His hands and giving up control.  I realized that I didn’t have to figure this out on my own, I just had to trust and obey. 

Sadly, my marriage does not have a happy ending.  We are currently in the process of getting divorced.  While the marriage was intensely painful and even abusive, I am grateful for it and I see it as a great mercy.  Here’s what I wrote recently about it:

I always thought of myself as a pretty good person.  But I have done and said things to Brian, cruel things, that I never thought I was even capable of.  I have had to face into the darkness of my heart and realize that I am not good at all.  In fact, I am very broken and desperately need grace.  I need Jesus.  I have realized this truth about myself on a much deeper level and I do not think it would be possible to come to this point apart from these circumstances.  If I had been in a loving, healthy, comfortable marriage I think that I would not know the depths of His love and grace as I do now.  

So now I’m learning what it means to give God authority in my life and how to seek His will.  And I am certain that God has me and my kids in His grip and He’s not letting go.