another divorce update

I met with the attorney recently and the paperwork is in motion.  Next Brian will need to pick up his copies of the Summons and Petition as well as the Marital Termination Agreement and he then has 30 days to respond.  If he does not request any changes then it will be submitted to the court.  I am hopeful that there will not be any delays since the Marital Termination Agreement is almost identical to the mediation agreement.  Then, since we do not have attorneys representing us individually, we will need to attend a short hearing.  After that, the divorce will be granted and the attorney works to follow through on everything stipulated in the divorce. 

The kids are really enjoying their time with Brian.  I recently read an excellent book called "The Switching Hour" about what kids of divorce experience and how best to help them.  It has given me some great tools.  At bedtime tonight I checked in with Olivia and said, "How are you feeling about the divorce lately?"  She replied that she didn't want it to happen because she was worried about what would happen to her.  I tried to reassure her and explain that nothing would really change, but that her feelings were normal and ok to have and talk about.  I encouraged her to pray when she is worried or scared and then we prayed together.  I grieve for her.  I know in many ways her childhood will be cut short.  I know that she will bear this wound for her lifetime.  But I also know that God loves her more than I ever could.  He is in control and he loves my children.  We may be bruised, but we will find healing.

Pause the mind

I'm putting my brain on "pause" to post some photos of my kids.  Here are a few photos from our trip to the Oxbow Zoo about a month ago:

"Now I'm going to be an owl."

"hoo, hoo"

"Then I flap my wings and fly away!"

Olivia does a jig

The landscape is much more green now.  Spring has been late in arriving, but the trees are finally leafing out and blossoming. 

Here's how we spend our weekends around here:



Can you tell that our toes are the same color?

I've noticed that single parents tend to gripe about how their ex gets to be the "fun" parent while they are "responsible" one.  I can surely relate to that feeling.  But I've decided that I'm going to be both!  I think it's possible to be fun and responsible.  I'm not going to get bogged down thinking about what my ex is/is not doing.  Instead I'm going to focus my energy on being present with my kids and enjoying them each day. 

Translation: my house is frequently a mess and I don't care any more.  So you are welcome to come by anytime friend, but please lower your expectations.  My house is never "company ready" so don't judge me.  I'd rather take my kids to the park than have a spotless home or mow the lawn or clean my van.  It's not how I prefer to live, but it's the best I can do right now.  At the end of my life I'm sure that I won't be thinking, "I wish I had spent more time cleaning my house."  I simply refuse to miss out on a relationship with my kids. 

Last week Olivia's pre-school class had a special Mother's Day Tea.  They had prepared some special gifts for the moms including a small booklet with information about the kids written by the kids.  One of the entries said, "My mom always says to me         "  Some of the other moms commented that their kids wrote things like, "clean up" or "pick up your room".  Olivia wrote, "I love you."  That was so encouraging to me.  I always want that to be the main message that my kids get from me by what I do and what I say.  I think that message may be getting through.

"self care": deception or necessity?

So I've been thinking about this concept of "self care" for awhile and I just don't know what to think about it.  I hear people talk about needing "me time" and it's kind of off-putting for me.  I'm probably over-reacting due to my history with Brian, a self care junkie.  But when I read my Bible I find a lot of stuff about self-denial and taking up my cross.  And I see Jesus spending time alone with his father, but I don't remember ever reading about Jesus taking a spa day.  Can you imagine?  "I'm sorry.  I know you've been suffering with this terrible affliction for years, but I'm taking a day off from miracles today.  I just need to practice some self care.  I'm sure you understand."

Now I know it's not fair to expect people to live at that level of self-denial.  Jesus was God after all.  But I am called to be Christ-like, right?  Don't get me wrong, I take time for myself too.  I admit that I get a monthly massage and sometimes I tell my kids, "no, I can't read you that story cuz I'm really into this People Magazine."  There are days that I feel like I'm going to scream if I hear, "mom will you get this, do that, help me NOW," one more time.  But being a mom has forced me to grow up and put my needs and wants aside.  Motherhood is teaching me what "dying to self" is all about.  And I like being a grown up.  In my experience, going to God to fill my cup works much better than shopping therapy.

I just wonder if we are getting too focused on self care rather than giving of ourselves.  Is this an idea that comes from God or from the world?  Are we deceiving ourselves?  Is someone else deceiving us to distract us from the life giving work that we could be doing?  When I stand before my maker is he going to pat me on the back and say, "you did a really good job of taking care of yourself"?  Doubt it.  But on the other hand, God recognizes the importance of rest.  Maybe we just need to take the idea of Sabbath more seriously?  What do you think?  I'd love to talk about it. 

Know your God

This weekend I was blessed to attend an amazing conference with Kay Arthur as the main speaker.  She spoke truth to us, to me.  She does not hold back.  She is willing to say the hard things, with love.  And they were things I needed to hear.  Probably the biggest point that I came away with was the importance of studying the Bible.  Several times Kay mentioned the verse Daniel 11:32, "the people who know their God will display strength and take action."  How can we know our God unless we are earnestly seeking Him?  When we study the living word for ourselves and we know, deeply know our God then we will be able to discern what is true, what is right and what is wrong.  In that knowledge of Him we will be able to stand firm and even take action.  But we have to put in the time and effort to dig deep.  The God of the universe has provided us with a book written by Him, about Him.  Why am I not driven to pour over my Bible night and day?  How can I become Christ-like if I don't know what Christ is like?  Oh Lord, change my heart today so that I am compelled to pursue you, so that I might love you with my whole heart without reservation.

Divorce update

We have decided on an attorney to file the paperwork and I will be meeting with him next week.  Since everything was decided in mediation this next step is a legal formality.  While we were in Oregon Brian moved out most of the furniture that he is keeping.  We are now working on dividing up the smaller items.  E-mail has been a terrific tool for communicating with minimal conflict. 

The kids have also started spending their time with Brian at his apartment rather than at the house.  Tonight will be their second over-night visit there.  So, far they seem to be weathering these changes well, but I am keeping a close eye on them.  Olivia has expressed confusion about the situation saying, "moms and dads are married so how will you guys still be my mom and dad if you aren't married anymore?"  I take every opportunity to re-assure, comfort and keep the lines of communication wide open.  Of course, every time someone has a bad day I worry that it's because of the divorce.  It's so hard to know why they do what they do.  Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day.

Broken hearts

I read this post today and it rings true for me.  I think it's when our hearts are broken that Jesus gets in down deep.  The mask falls away and we are exposed.  We are real.  No longer able to stand with our own strength we learn that, if we turn to Him, He is fully able to sustain us, support us, deliver us.  He alone can meet every need.  And He does.   Enjoy...

Arrows piercing the darkness

I am reading a fabulous book that has me quite inspired.  The book is One Million Arrows: Raising Your Children to Change the World by Julie Ferwerda.  I have been so bogged down lately reading about how to help my kids survive this divorce and mitigate the damage.  But this book is giving me a vision for me and my kids.  God has a purpose for all of us.  He wants to use our stories to reach the world, each life carefully crafted for a reason, a mission.  This book has made me realize that I am selling my kids short.  They will survive, but will they thrive?  Will they leave a mark?  Will they passionately live out their unique calling and find the fulfillment that comes with it?  And how will they learn to follow God's lead if I don't set the example?  Thank you God for this book and how it is changing my heart.