Allow me to get up on my soap box for a bit. I heard an interview on the radio last week that really disturbed me. I often listen to NPR and there is a great program in the afternoon called Talk of the Nation where they interview someone about current events and general goings-on. The show is open to listeners to call, e-mail or text in comments and questions. So the host was interviewing a journalist, Lea Goldman, who wrote an article called "What Kind of Mother Leaves Her Kids?" about mothers who choose to give up custody of their kids in favor of other pursuits. You can hear the interview or read the transcript here.
The summary given of the article is, "Few people give it a second thought when fathers give up parental rights. But when a mother releases custody, she is often judged harshly. Lea Goldman of Marie Claire discusses the challenges for moms who choose to separate from their children." In the article she describes women she met who have given up custody of their children to pursue an education or focus on writing or travel. They describe it as an agonizing decision, but that they have very satisfying lives as a result. Ms. Goldman goes on to sympathize with these women and say, "Unfortunately, society at large, really has very harsh opinions of these women." To which the host said, "And sometimes the kids do, too."
Ms. Goldman explains that while these women chose to have children, "there are a subset who just find that motherhood - you know, it sounds so trite, but motherhood isn't for them." One mother she interviewed said, "I wanted my own space, to do my own thing. You can't do that with a kid in the background. You can't do it when you have to cook dinner." Ms. Goldman says it is, "a mark of our progress that women," are giving up custody of their kids to pursue their dreams and goals like men have been doing for so long.
Wow. I was floored. Is this the direction that our culture is headed? I know that some women have long neglected their parental responsibilities in favor of their own pursuits, but now we have to accept it as a valid lifestyle choice? In the past we may have called this selfish, but now we are not allowed to judge or label their bad choices. Hey, these women are satisfied so we shouldn't vilify them or point out that they are sacrificing the well-being of their kids for their own happiness. I wish we would get back to asking ourselves, "what will the neighbors think?" Maybe then our behavior would get back in line with societal norms. Instead we pursue what works for us, what feels right, to the detriment of those who rely on us most.
Listen, people. Children are a blessing. Period. Just ask someone who struggles with infertility. Children are not a inconvenience. They are not disposable if they don't fit into your lifestyle. They are human beings and your choices are going to have life-long consequences for them. They did not ask to come into this world. You brought them here and you have a responsibility to do right by them. And that means that you will have to sacrifice for them. Regardless of how you feel or what you want, you must provide for their physical, emotional and spiritual needs. This is not optional! It's called parenting and it's what you signed up for when you decided to have kids.
I cheered when I heard what one listener wrote. He said, "Would you stop trying to turn these mothers into victims? Any parent who can care for a child, but gives them up for their own selfish reasons, is not a victim." But Ms. Goldman responded in a way that seemed smug, almost like she was disappointed in his reaction and said, "Well, I mean, this is exactly the reaction that these women fear, and that these women experience." And I wanted to scream, "this is an appropriate reaction!" These women should be ashamed of themselves. Society has a right to judge them because they are selfish. And just because men have perhaps been more selfish in the past is no reason to celebrate the blossoming selfishness of women too.
Am I right?
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